If I Was Born An American Girl

I suspect life would have been easier for me had I been born a girl. If I was reflecting back on a life lived as a woman during these times, the following is probably what I would have written on my death bed while surrounded by my feline friends…

As a young student in public schools, government programs pushed me into math and science. Even when I did poorly, I got decent grades that indicated I was more intelligent than my work revealed, enabling me to enroll in advanced classes. I even received extra encouragement from my female teachers while the boys were punished for not sitting still. They were put on drugs so my learning was not disturbed.

As a high school senior, ready to apply for college, I appreciated the fact that my male competition was discouraged and shamed into a life of video games, porn, or even suicide. Being favored by an educational system that was ruled by female administrators made it easy to get into college. To outcompete the boys, all I had to do was show up.

As a failing student in organic chemistry, I was thankful that I could avoid receiving a D by turning on the water works to my male professor, who was so creepy and pathetic that I doubt he has ever been laid by a beautiful woman like me in his life. I’m glad he understood my bad grade was a result of not my own lack of effort or personal failings, since I was told since kindergarten that I could be an astronaut if I wanted to, but because the organic chemists of the past didn’t bother to explain the principles of science in a way that women can understand. I ended up getting a B in the class.

As a freshly minted communications major (science ended up being too boring for me), I liked how so many corporations were willing to hire me as an HR or marketing associate. These corporations can only advance through strong communication skills, which men simply don’t have. Not only was I always on time for meetings, but I gave really good ideas while the male engineers and programmers were shy and quiet and sometimes a little rapey with how they looked at me. Even though I was only making $35,000 as an entry-level HR clerk, I loved the power I had in googling all the male applicants and tossing out their resumes if I found out they were weird or displayed a value that went against the corporate culture that women are an important part of (like being ugly). I tried my best to give preferential treatment to female applicants because we have been held down for so long.

As a party girl who has only been with 46 guys (I’m not counting the guys I made love to when I traveled), I enjoyed how I could change my mind about having sex with a guy after I had sex with him. On one morning I looked to the guy on my bed and he seemed a lot more beta than I had remembered when I was enjoying the martinis he was buying me the night before. I was no longer turned on, so it was obvious that I was raped. I called the police and made his life a living hell for violating my body without having been granted 100% full consent. He didn’t get jail time but is on a sex offender list, and had trouble getting a job last time I checked. What’s really interesting is that if I had the same quantity of drinks and drove a car, I would be held responsible for my actions and go to jail if caught, but if I decide to have sex with a guy after meeting him in a bar, I’m not held responsible at all. This is how things should be.

As an empowered woman who achieves spiritual enlightenment by opening my legs to only the sexiest and hottest men, I was very happy that the government paid for my birth control, gonorrhea antibiotics, and later, abortions. You have no idea how expensive it is to be a woman, with the cost of tampons and make-up and such. I wrote many letters to my representative in Congress to ask for my hair coloring and nail polish to be paid, since it’s a cost borne on women and not men, but shockingly I didn’t get a response. It’s true that women now make more than men, but I still think money—from somewhere—should pay for women’s health care and not that of men’s, even if our life expectancy is longer than theirs. No one can seriously think that it’s a woman’s fault that men are stupid and ride dangerous motorcycles and shoot each other. Did I tell you about the drummer I’m dating right now? He’s so hot. I let him come inside me, but he stopped responding to my texts and I’m going crazy trying to figure out why.

As a 35-year-old newly married woman, I’m a little disappointed that things didn’t work out with the drummer. I’m resentful that I had to marry a geek, the only man I could find who was willing to man up. He takes all my shit without complaint, and while you think that that would increase my love for him, the opposite occurred. I hated him more every day. The power of science and in vitro fertilization allowed us to have a child (my womb was made infertile through multiple STDs, in case you’re wondering). This was great for me because due to fem-centric American law, my husband was put in a bit of a pickle. I could have left him at any time, for any reason, while keeping the kids and most of his money—money that I helped him earn by pushing him to go to work every day in his lame job. You can almost say that he was my little hostage, and I loved watching him jump to meet my escalating set of demands.

As a divorcee of a deadbeat father, a piece of shit man, I’m satisfied that he was put in jail. My amazing lawyer, recommended to me by my divorced friend, got an alimony and child support payment that was 70% of his income. He couldn’t pay it and is now learning his lesson behind bars. The high payment is fair if you consider the years I wasted on him when he utterly failed to attend to my emotional needs as a vibrant, dynamic, and empowered woman. I made sure to remind his little brat of a son every day what a loser his father is. I even had to put the little one on medication so his unexplained anger didn’t rattle my nerves and interfere with my pilates training. Thankfully, the government gave me more money in the form of food, housing, and child care. The divorce put me in such a depressive state that I now qualify for disability payments until I die. No more office for me! And finally, after many years, the drummer has realized my worth and moved in. He’s broke right now so he can’t help with the expenses, but I have faith that one day he’ll become the man I know he’s capable of being.

As a recent breast cancer survivor, I was thankful that the disease got more research funding than just about all other diseases combined, preventing deaths of so many beautiful mothers and grandmothers. I’m also thankful to the NFL for making its male athletes wear pink in support of breast cancer and not prostate cancer, which I read only affects really old men who are going to die soon anyway. Anyone who questions breast cancer funding is obviously a sexist, misogynist, bigot, racist, right-wing conservative, and a possibly a neo-Nazi. With my free time I sent angry emails to the employers of such horrible men when I read their evil thoughts on the internet. To my knowledge, no woman has ever lost her job due to proper and just feminist views. This pleases me.

As a dead woman buried six feet under the ground, I’m appreciative of all the privilege I’ve had to live a life where women were cherished and valued above men, who finally understand their role as sperm donors and tax payers and nothing more. But even more can be done, and I pass the torch to young women today and tell them to keep up the fight for gender equality, girl power, and female happiness at all costs. Thank god I was born an American girl.

Read Next: It’s The Patriarchy’s Fault

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John Rambo
John Rambo
7 years ago

White Feminist Woman at Georgetown University working in the admissions department openly admitted that she REJECTED white men’s applications simply because they were WHITE MEN.

Brief: A female advisor in the admissions department at Georgetown University has been caught openly admitting that she committed the CRIME of discrimination based on people’s race and gender in the application process.

This has the potential to create a large scale lawsuit against Georgetown University, and with the momentum building at the rate it is building, seems very likely that will be the outcome.

Below are the main links to all of the information regarding this news story and case.

http://bit.ly/11GmDK7

http://www.avoiceformen.com/georgetown-university-and-men/georgetown-university-in-a-cover-up/

playmuc
playmuc
7 years ago

Funny. 🙂 Also can’t blame that girl. Don’t hate the player.. She just exploits the world she lives in.

Days of Broken Arrows
Days of Broken Arrows
7 years ago

Biting satire on the level of HL Mencken. Really great, if ultimately depressing.

James Bond
James Bond
7 years ago

That was awesome! You accurately described the life of modern day women in America. They are placed on a pedestal and valued over men.

They get preferential treatment over men when it comes to getting into college, finding a job and of course they get lot’s of money after a divorce.

Most of the time after a divorce, if children are involved, the woman get’s custody of the kids. She also get’s child support payments and maybe even alimony. Not to mention she get’s at least half of her ex-husbands net worth!

Wow, what a deal to be born a woman in America! It’s like you win the lottery just by being born a female in the United States!

Mr. Onions
Mr. Onions
5 years ago
Reply to  James Bond

I’m reminded of an excellent Tolkien quote: “The wise speak only of what they know.” It’s not easy being a woman anywhere….

sasha
sasha
5 years ago
Reply to  James Bond

the only possible answer to that is lol

Dougie Howser
Dougie Howser
4 years ago
Reply to  sasha

Sasha, my oipinion of you is that you are not only smart as fuck but funny as fuck too. Thanks for the laugh you gave me.

cibo
cibo
7 years ago

You forgot to mention she should be fat as fuck by 25 and have guys still hit on her.

Gavin Madden
7 years ago

Depressingly accurate.

Inside UoM
7 years ago

Haha this is absolutely hilairous, but very accurate.

America really is in its late stages of decline.

RedPillWifey
7 years ago

I’m sure she ballooned up to 300 lbs before she got divorced, and lamented that her pig if a husband should just “love me for meeeee”…

Sangelia
Sangelia
3 years ago
Reply to  RedPillWifey

You may wish to check out various medical sites on what causes obesity. There is at least eleven base reasons why. Most folks tend to have two or more.
http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/obe/causes
Lack of Energy Balance
An Inactive Lifestyle
Environment
Genes and Family History
Health conditions
Medicines
Emotional Factors
Smoking
Age
Pregnancy
Lack of Sleep

Ice Lion
Ice Lion
7 years ago

I sincerely hope female Roosh was able to find government funding for her laser hair removal procedure. It’s not her fault that all the men in her family passed on genes that made her hairier than Chewbacca.

Anonymous
Anonymous
7 years ago

I don’t want to live in this planet anymore.

Mebus
Mebus
7 years ago

I’m afraid it’s not just the American girl anymore, Roosh, whose obituary you masterfully describe here. The ‘disease’ has infested Northern Europe, and is rapidly consuming its women. It’s a meme, a particularly deadly one for males and ultimately, for civilization.

But, ironically, lives such as the one you describe here are being ENABLED by legions, no ARMIES, of men. These men subsidize the royal lifestyles of Western females, and likely continue to do so for the next decade. They still throw themselves en masse into the educational gender-biased meatgrinder in the hope their sacrifices pay off and they land a well-earning, stable job, and enjoy a loving, loyal wife. Haha.

And in the unlikely (quite unlikely, I must say) event they manage to squeeze 10 years of work experience, in the 4 or 5 years spend in college, just to qualify for some dreary dead-end corporate job, they will be horrified to discover that not only they have to work till 70, but their pensions can no longer be guaranteed.

These men are going to have to understand how futile it is to invest in a rigged game, preferably BEFORE they decide to subjugate themselves to lifelong servitude.

putaneiro
putaneiro
7 years ago

Even considering this as an exageration, and should not be taken literally, this article is ridiculous. Its pure wining. Dead Bat was a good book, but the recent “poor me, I was born in America” trend sucks.

Anonymous
Anonymous
7 years ago

Suprisingly,a good and funny read from Roosh

El Guapo
El Guapo
7 years ago

R, you’re very good at describing the realities of how (most, at least) modern men and women interact. A friend of mine and myself used to discuss a lot of the topics that you write about though we didn’t arrive at all of your conclusions. It’s your relentless dissection that takes it to the next level and I and many others appreciate it a lot. I think it’s essential that these ideas or theories or outlooks are put into language. A lot of people, men and women, understand these things instinctively and/or subconsciously but for them to act upon them productively they need to have an internal verbal understanding.

Greg
Greg
7 years ago

This could have easily been written by a feminist with a straight face. Scary.

Anonymous
Anonymous
7 years ago

your all a bunch of followers and idiots. I am def not pro woman and agree with alot of the writings on here. But this is just idiotic. I mean seriously? Has this just turned into a bunch of guys wining about women and hating? I am all for boning bitches and sticking it back to them for all the shit they give out but come on this is just retarted.

I mean I respected the dishing it back to women who constantly make a mockery of men and are over the top. But do you really think this way of all women?

Chris W
Chris W
3 years ago
Reply to  Anonymous

It was meant to be over the top to make a point. Wasn’t meant to be taken literally.

LOL
LOL
7 years ago

“But do you really think this way of all women?
You just said “NAWALT” 🙂
If 90% of them are like that, I think that’s the same as “all of them”

LOL
LOL
7 years ago

Well I take that back. 100% of them are like that. Women are herd animals and are not capable of straying outside the behavior of their group.
They might have an identity of their own, but their group identity comes first, ALWAYS.
Especially with western women who pick up their behavior from television, whatever show fits their age and more importantly, VALIDATES them. In their teens, its MTV reality shows..then it becomes Sex and the City.
The decline of western society is directly linked to the misperception that 50% of its citizens are fit to participate in any kind of major decision taking.

Mebus
Mebus
7 years ago

@#1 John Rambo

Based on my own lengthy experiences in academia, I suspect that not only Georgetown university knew of the practices of Arianna Pattek, but actively encouraged it ‘behind the scenes’.

Don’t think for a second they strive for equality in admissions, it’s in fact heavily biased, and not just at Georgetown. Arianna Pattek is by far not the only cog in the academic gender-biased creativity-stifling machine.

That said, I fully support exposing this charade.

Anonymous
Anonymous
7 years ago

What if you were born as an ugly girl?

Soup
Soup
7 years ago

Well put.

This:

“What’s really interesting is that if I had the same quantity of drinks and drove a car, I would be held responsible for my actions and go to jail if caught, but if I decide to have sex with a guy after meeting him in a bar, I’m not held responsible at all.”

anonymouse
anonymouse
7 years ago

why_white_dont_reproduce.txt

Anonymous
Anonymous
7 years ago

It’s the same thing in Canada.

Women are led to believe that they were treated badly for the past million years. Nobody ever challenged that though. Roosh and Roissy thats the next step for you : women were never treated badly, on the contrary. They had a fair deal.

Alex
Alex
7 years ago

I dunno, Roosh. Take a look at yourself. You travel the world having sex with women. You describe picking up on women. You’ve even described performing oral sex on women on their period. However, posts like this show a person who hates women (American women, anyway).

You don’t see something wrong with that? I’m no psychiatrist, but I’ll say this: perhaps years of chasing women have made you a woman-hating pessimist. Thoughts?

-Alex

T-money
T-money
5 years ago
Reply to  Alex

I’ll answer for myself. Though my score isnt anywhere near Roosh’s my experience with women has made me bitter and jaded. I see the laws of the sexual market place. I know she’s always the victim and Im always the badguy if something happens. She can get attention and help from men at any time. If she dumps me she can have a new man later that day while I gotta pound the pavement. The list goes on. Women are no longer wonderful to me.

Sangelia
Sangelia
3 years ago
Reply to  Alex

I agree.
About with the amount of women he has used. He is nothing more than a unpaid gigolo.
He also has admitted that he is a rapist. That he refuses to take a “no” as a answer. Then he has the gal to claim that pretty much every gal he has been with has been loose.

earl
earl
7 years ago

That’s not how the story ends:

As a woman who went up to the pearly gates and St. Peter let me in…I met this fellow called God. He told me about all the bad things I thought were good and how I always rejected the right path. Crying and not realizing that there was a life after my fabulous one on Earth I blamed society and men for my sins. Unfortunately God is a just judge and told me that the sins I committed were my own and I never bothered to repent of them because I laid blame on everybody else. All the graces and gifts He gave me the opportunity to have I rejected because they were boring and would make me feel bad.

Now I’m in hell for all eternity suffering for the 60 years of fun I had on Earth.