If You Don’t Look Like Jesus, Why Are You Still Alive?

I wrote some big words in the past:

While I’m lucky to be blessed with the genetics to make a monster beard, I don’t think I’ll do it again.

February 6, 2007

I RENOUNCE THOSE WORDS. Without a beard I am not a real man—I just don’t look right without long coarse hair covering half of my face. And honestly, the beard was a pussy magnet. There were those off-nights I could just hug the wall and take care of cute girls who come up to me with “You look like Jesus, hehe.” It was like a tractor beam.

No girl will admit it, but they all have a fantasy of being fucked by Jesus. I am the luckiest man on Earth if after just a couple months I can look like the most popular man in the history of the world. Wherever I go, no matter what country, I will be instantly recognized as the savior of the human race. Knowing what I know now, I would kill myself if I didn’t have the ability to look like Jesus.

beard-love-2.jpg
So thick and beautiful

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mike says
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did you know those people? dude looks miiiighty uncomfortable….

a beard is one of the most powerful tools in the man arsenal. your words all of a sudden carry a lot more weight in debates (wisdom of Solomon). people move out of your way quicker on the metro and avoid extended direct eye contact. women call you homeless even as they try to figure out ways to nuzzle up against you.

in the age of the plucked and waxed metro and the half-hearted stubble faces, true masculinity still resides in those of us brave enough to rock the rugged Brawny paper towel man face.

real recognize real….and you’re looking pretty familiar.

irina
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irina
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beards hurt down there… oh wait…

Sweet
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Sweet
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Gives new meaning to the expression ‘What would Jesus do.’

virglekent
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virglekent
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ha ha ha ha!!! Greatest picture ever!! That guy looks so pissed at you like WTF? But then you know he doesn’t want to throw down with Jesus and the boy in the red dress is kind of cute…. hold up what?

Antelope4
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Beards truly do make a difference. Every time I grow a beard there is a noticeable change in the way people interact with me, even the way people look at me on the street. It is a power I am glad to have.

Steve Lurkel
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Steve Lurkel
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welcome back to the manly facial hair fraternity.

Ned
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Ned
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for fun, try getting on an airplane without getting the random search

Phil
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Phil
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And when you get old and gray, you look like Kenny Rogers.

(And remember Kenny’s motto when wearing a blazer: Sleeves up = Young, Sleeve down = Old)

mike says
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your beard looks very shaped up though, not the usual thicket of bumb fur. that’s the key to wearing your manhood on your face and remaining a credible actor in society.

you should find a way to make a bearded smilie and use it whenever you say something gender-related that you know is going to set off a firestorm.

Jay Gatsby
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Jay Gatsby
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You have to be careful about looking so “manly” that you’re mistaken for a homeless guy. When I’ve grown a beard, it’s usually a closely-cropped affair. My head hair is similarly cropped, giving my manly look a more professional appearance. Likewise, when my facial hair goes gray, you can bet I’ll use beard coloring if I ever decide to grow one again.

While beards are very manly, the Magnum PI/Ron Burgundy porn-star mustache is NOT manly. Having a caterpillar on your upper lip will make you look way out of touch with current or even recent fashion. Frankly, it ranks up there with the mullet, mutton-chop/Elvis sideburns, ponytails and the flat-top fade (a la Arsenio Hall).

I’m all for having your own personal style, but if you get too far away from what others deem acceptable, you’ll be unsuccessful in many social endeavors.

Antelope4
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Antelope4
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Trolley missed the joke.

Sweat P.
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Sweat P.
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Of course I am judging by appearances alone, but everyone except you in that picture looks boring as hell. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Phil
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Phil
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I think you are the one out of touch, Jay Gatsby.

Optimus Prime
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Kick Push, Kick Push, Kick Push..

Hey DCB what do you read for money and business info????????

Jay Gatsby
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Why do you say that Phil? Do you have a porn-star mustache?

Jay Gatsby
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Edit to previous post:

I wouldn’t categorize Phil’s mustache as “porn star”. It tapers a bit too much on the sides.

Lisa
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Lisa
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That’s why they call that hairdo a Jesus shag(?) Or what DO you ask for when you go to the haircut place?

Jewcano
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Jewcano
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The whole point of a haircut like that is that you don’t need to go to the haircut place, thus negating the need for a name. If you -do- go to a salon or whatever with the intent of spending good money on having someone make you look like a scraggly hippie, then you’re a poser.

Roosh’s picture perfectly embodies that “I passed out in this corner fair and square and these damned Euroweenies still came over and sat on me” vibe. Excellent.

B
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B
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Didn’t you shave that thing? Don’t tell me it grew back That fast?!

Phil
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Phil
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“Frankly it ranks up there with the mullet, mutton chop sideburns…”

Tac and Bon are also offended.

iwritei
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I’m not admitting to wanting to be fucked by Jesus, but the idea of having an inside track to heaven is appealing.

ps. What’s the point of killing yourself if you’re just wake up after a couple of days?

Anonymous
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You look like Mohammed!

Tom Arrow
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That is like me wanting to fuck Shiva.