Men Must Groom More Than Cats To Get Laid

If our great-grandfathers could see the amount of grooming we need to do in order to be attractive to women, they’d probably accuse us of being gay. In fact, I’m sure that heterosexual men today have to groom more than women of 30 years ago. As alpha or masculine as we think we are, our grooming habits must make us the most feminized men to have ever existed. Here are all the acts of grooming I’ve done at least once in the past week:

  • Floss my teeth
  • Brush my teeth
  • Scrape my tongue
  • Gargle with mouthwash
  • Pluck extra long and curly eyebrow hair that began to obstruct my vision
  • Trim my beard
  • Shave my neck
  • Trim ear hair
  • Trim nose hair
  • Apply baking soda to arm pits
  • Apply and remove contact lenses
  • Wipe my ass thoroughly
  • Shower
  • Stroke my balls with my hand and then smell it to ensure lack of odor
  • Apply benzoyl peroxide to a pimple
  • Apply lip moisturizer
  • Apply face moisturizer
  • Remove boogers and other debris form my nose
  • Comb my hair
  • Trim my sideburns
  • Wash clothes
  • Wash penis in bathroom sink after sex
  • Trim my fingernails
  • Trim armpit air
  • Squeeze out blackheads on nose
  • Remove residual sock fiber from underneath toe nails
  • Remove ear wax using cotton swabs
  • Remove eye gunk after waking up
  • Dab off extra grease on forehead with napkin

This list may seem long, but I’m confident it’s shorter than that of a lot of Western men who consider themselves to be as straight as me. I’m scared to estimate how many hours I spend a week on these grooming activities.

A common belief in the manopshere is that women want masculine, alpha men, but what they really want is sexy clowns who are well-groomed. If you have bad breath, bad skin, or odorific armpits, you’re not getting far with women no matter how good your game is. The modern man has to essentially groom like women in order to attract them, because I highly doubt that tribesmen of ancient times cared if their breath smelled or not. We get judged today on seemingly trivial qualities that men of the past didn’t.

I bring up this point not to tame your grooming habits (I surely won’t cut back on smelling my balls), but to remind you that what we think of masculine is relative to the men of today, not men of the past. Those men would wonder what the hell is wrong with us to spend so much time tinkering with our appearance and natural smells just for an increased shot at sex. Give them a couple months of living in our time, however, and I’m sure they would understand how necessary grooming is to get laid, right before asking us how exactly how much baking soda is needed for armpit application. Now excuse me so that I can trim the hairs that are creeping up the shaft of my penis.

Read Next: 6 Life Tips That Will Make You More Productive

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anonymous
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anonymous
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Roosh, you should write a post about pubic and armpit hair “styles” for men.

Anon
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Anon
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Hilarious and interesting post.

To be frank, I almost do whatever you wrote there – except I don’t wear contacts. I usually immediately wash after sex, but not before I urinate first – I usually take a leak within10 mins after orgasm to flush out sperm. The weirdest or kinkiest (or dirtiest) woman I ever had was a Czech chick who liked post sex golden showers – i.e. me to piss on her (either face or ass) in the shower after sex.

.
But maintaining hygiene is extremely important in attraction and especially securing the first lay. You can afford to go easy on the hygiene part with a regular later on, once she gets used to your body, but the caveat is that one would then become a dirty lazy man. From experience, I’ve found that sometimes a woman who has unrealistic demands on hygiene can sometimes turn out to be the nastiest slut in bed (anal, golden showers, etc). They mask their intellectual sexual depravity under superficial OCD when it comes to hygiene.

Halitosis can be a big problem – especially if you have a dry mouth or intestinal infection from food abroad. Gets worsened with smoking. The trick is to chew parsley or some mint, drink loads of water, cut down on beverages or drink some milk – babies rarely have bad breath. Constipation can also fuck up the breath. The other easiest way to mask it is through alcohol. Make sure for her to get drunk too.

Genital odor can be easily solved by shaving pubes and balls fortnightly, and using avoiding tight briefs. I usually shave when I know I’m gonna get laid for sure, otherwise I don’t. Too much shaving can result in chafing.

But yes, today’s men are extremely gayish or metrosexual as compared to men before.

Thelatentsadist
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Drink milk? That will give you the shittiest breath ever. And I’m sure babies have bad breath dude. Gargle with Hydrogen peroxide, brush, and if that doesn’t take care of it get a tongue scrapper. Hydro peroxide works like a charm. Your body was designed as it should be for sexual attraction, if the laws of nature really required us to drastically modify our physiology for sexual attractiveness, we’ll….it wouldn’t. I don’t buy all this, beyond the basics of making sure you don’t have shit in your nose or on your face and you wipe your ass. Trimming pubes? Fucking gay and ridiculous.

Fluffy
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Fluffy
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“Your body was designed as it should be for sexual attraction, if the laws of nature really required us to drastically modify our physiology for sexual attractiveness, we’ll….it wouldn’t. I don’t buy all this, beyond the basics of making sure you don’t have shit in your nose or on your face and you wipe your ass. Trimming pubes? Fucking gay and ridiculous.”

Is this true for females also?

JustinNYC
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JustinNYC
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Grooming styles change with time. In recent modern times it doesn’t really have to do with hyper femininity, except in the case of Japanese men. It has more to do with hygiene, economic progress, the rise of plastics based technologies following World War II.
In the 19th century, elaborate and highly groomed facial hair was all the rage, and likely occupied much time. So, our Great Grandfathers, far from thinking we were gay, would probably be in some ways envious (they aspired to many of the same things we did, they just had more inefficient means to do so, its not like life was some Marlboro commercial cowboy idyllic, it was shitty and dirty and poor and difficult).
Twenty years ago, clean shaven was the fashion, now a 3-4 day stubble is fashionable in many Western countries, even in business settings.
Again, you tend to begin with a conclusion and then sort through whatever evidence you find that supports that, hardly the mind of a scientist.

Clark Kent
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Agree.

But I think he makes a good point that what we think of as masculine is in some ways socially constructed. My grandfather would be ashamed of many of us no offence. He knew how to get shit done, live a minimalist lifestyle, and command respect from people.

I’d say the main consistent barometer of “manliness” is power over other men. And this always depends on the context… If the context is limited to who has the furriest furry… the furriest furry guy will win… If the context is who is the strongest warrior, the Hulk will win… If the context is who is the most alpha yet socially acceptable metro dude, Roosh might win.

I’ve been on both ends of that spectrum and chicks don’t know what the hell they want… the only consistent thing I see is they want the guy who has enough power to not give a fuck.

Feral Kat
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Feral Kat
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I know my grandfather never wiped his ass very thoroughly. That’s why we all kind of avoided him. Times have changed, huh?

weethomas
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weethomas
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Your grandfather couldn’t build a microwave. Ergo, I’m much better at getting shit done than he. Your gradfather sounds like a loser.

Clark Kent
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Clark Kent
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My grandfather doesn’t know how to build a micro-wave, but he knows how to wipe his ass with your face.

weethomas
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weethomas
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Nope, I’d just substitute my face for his own. Then he’d end up wiping his ass with his own face. That grandfather of yours, figuratively an assface.

I think I’ve now also demonstrated that you made two false statements about your grandfather. He clearly commands no respect.

Clark Kent
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Clark Kent
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You’re putting too much effort into insulting people’s grandfathers over the internet.

You should really stop this… you’re making all microwave repairmen look bad…

weethomas
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weethomas
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Actually, there is very little effort involved. Also – not a microwave repairman. But you know who does look bad? Your grandfather.

Clark Kent
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Clark Kent
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One day… if you get diagnosed with cancer or some terminal disease… I hope you think of me and my grandfather…

And all the broken microwaves that got away…

weethomas
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weethomas
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I’m going to die at some point. So whether or not it is from a terminal disease doesn’t really matter to me. Won’t change how I live my life now. But, if by chance it happens that I do think of you and your grandfather, it would be a happy memory, reminding me of idiots long gone.

Thank you for this gift – should it come to pass.

Clark Kent
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Clark Kent
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Well I got better shit to think about than you. This has been a waste of my time and I’m done playing. Goodbye.

weethomas
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weethomas
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I’m not surprised you’d rather spend your time thinking about shit. Enjoy!

Ted Cunterblast
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Ted Cunterblast
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Well said, Roosh. I agree with most of it, except that I have to use two hands to stroke my balls. I’ve noticed, however, that there are some women who actually like hairy, sweaty, unkempt men, although they seem to be few and far between.

Reńato
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Reńato
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Would a hair removal product work on getting rid of hair on the balls and pubes?

I’m scared of using a razor down there as putting paper towel particles for clotting does not sound like a good time.

Thelatentsadist
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Thelatentsadist
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Why the fuck would you trim your pubes? Fucking gay be a man

weethomas
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weethomas
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By definition, a homosexual adult male is a man. . .

weethomasisacunt
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weethomasisacunt
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youre such a nauseating try hard..wait for someone to make a comment and pounce on them like a total ‘anxious to be clever’ beta chump..good job, weepenis.

weethomas
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weethomas
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Nope, no trying necessary. Just happened to come by this site and see a bunch of whiny pansies.

By your logic, I must be the alpha since I clearly dominate you two idiots. I bet you realized that when the window to edit your reply disappeared. Ha.

Guest
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Ouch, do not do that! I learned the hard way when I was 16 back in the 90s. I was a competitive swimmer and was going to a major competition for the first time and had to shave&taper(remove all body hair to reduce drag and gradually reduce training distance in the 2 weeks premeet for maximum speed). I got all sorts of little cuts and pain under my armpits and around my package. I asked the women on the team about it and they laughed at me and told me using the same razor for shaving your face is a very bad idea for the sensitive bits.

This is an easy thing to solve just get a bikini trimmer product that is typically marketed to women in most countries like say Peru for 20 bucks (in the USA ones for body trimming are readily available and marketed to men and women, and can cost up to 200 for ones like the nonopro).

NuclearBlackMetalKampf
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I found it very frustrating. Since the only epilator I could get was impossible to use in water, I ended up just using a double-edged safety razor in the bathtub and following up with applying Nair for five minutes. I used Noxzema for the shaving cream. It worked better than “run a Venus over your pubic area.”

The biggest problem is the itching that occurs later, particularly as the now-sharpheaded hairs grow out. One of my goals now is to eventually get a good way to (slowly, hair by hair, grasping at the base) pluck the area. It looked and felt a lot better hairless.

Mike
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Mike
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Get an electric body shaver. I’ve never dared taking a razor to my genitals either (but then at age 37 I’ve never even tried shaving my face with a razor, always preferred a bit of stubble so I just use an electric trimmer).

Clark Kent
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I’ve used razors down there since the beginning and I haven’t cut my junk once…

I think that skin and hair is sturdier than my face kuz my face bleeds to shit…

Never take a used razor down there though.

CSM-1000
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CSM-1000
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Try dipping your balls in a tub of hot water. After a while, you will notice the hairs come out easy leaving a perfectly smooth and soft plum, just like a plucked chicken. And, as an added bonus, you just applied a natural form of temporary male birth control here. So raw dog to your heart’s content.

Seriously though, don’t do that.

Kenny
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Kenny
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Roosh
Have you ever trained grappling before?

Tom Dane
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Tom Dane
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I wonder what that has to do with anything

G380
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G380
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Roosh has talked about boxing before-why not bjj or sambo?

Tom Dane
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Tom Dane
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Yes but its just out of context but I guess that doesnt matter. I just think he is too busy writing and stuff to have time for all that.

G380
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G380
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IMO talking combat sports is not out of context for game-it creates discipline, fitness, confidence, and certainty in one self. For some its even spiritual. This is very relevant.

Tom Dane
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Tom Dane
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Its not something that noticeable grooms you though.

G380
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G380
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Are you a Dane?

Is that Jante law jive really practiced?

The whole no ones special or good at anything and neither are you thing.

How do you guys pull girls-smile nod agree listen for hours and then pull?

Tom Dane
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Its not neccessary to wash right after sex..why would you do that ? You’ve already got laid and what she says doesnt matter anymore smile

CSM-1000
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Not to mention you get to carry the scent of fresh pussy on you. Don’t think other females don’t notice such things.

Tom Dane
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Tom Dane
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Indeed !

weethomas
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weethomas
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Some of us are capable of having sex more than once in a night…

gordax
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gordax
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thank you for the laugh roosh it was well worth

JR
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JR
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Roosh have you ever thought about doing a Russian marriage or dating service?

As people age I don’t see how anyone doesn’t find mass fornicating really
cheesy. If you have no deep bond with another human- what’s the point of all?

Rooshv
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Rooshv
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I like smelling my balls and other men’s balls

Armenian
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Armenian
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You wash your penis in the same place where you brush your teeth?
Just shower.

Tron
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Tron
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Unless he uses his toothbrush to also clean his shaft I don’t see an issue.

joerge
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joerge
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Hey Roosh, there is an interesting BlogPost in your Archive where you discuss the importance of rich pubic hair to prevent STDs. Can you link me to it? Would be highly appreciated (and it fits the above topic well)

Awesome Possum
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Awesome Possum
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Uhhh, ok Roosh….this post was a little off the wall.

CSM-1000
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CSM-1000
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Dude, I do maybe one-tenth of the items on that list and… oh wait, that’s why I have trouble getting laid. Might as well get with the times here.

johnathan blaze
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johnathan blaze
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Being well-groomed is a display of virility and value. It shows that you have free time with which to tend to yourself. It shows that you have energy to pay attention to details.

Nature doesn’t want older men breeding with hot young girls, since sperm quality goes down as a man ages. So it tries to make older men unattractive (hair out of nose & ears, baldness, sagging skin, etc). Being well-groomed is one way to fight this.

dickweed
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dickweed
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Roosh, you are a fucking clown. Shut the fuck up and go back to whatever third world country you need to bang women because Americans are too much of a challenge for you.

Rob Hassen
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Rob Hassen
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LOL @ bitter woman- party of one. Return to jezebel and your “emotional eating”.

dumas
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dumas
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‘Challenging’ is an Americunt shibboleth. Like ‘creepy,’ it’s an instant tip off.

“Geez, I’ve had my fill of soft, horny, feminine nice girls. I need to be challenged,” said no sane straight man, ever.

FormerCanadian
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FormerCanadian
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Ain’t nothing bad with all what you wrote here. I don’t see any problem though I tend to skip doing some things from your list (I have no beard to trim for example).
Males should always remember that grooming and taking care of oneself ain’t to attract women in the first place but for male’s OWN wellbeing and self respect.
The goal of grooming, working out, getting educated learning things is to improve oneself! Everything else comes second or even third.
NO normal lady would ever be interested in a lazy, uneducated, fat and boring person no matter how good his “Game” may be.
I ain’t no fan of a “Game” as a concept thus I’m all or personality development and personal evolution of a male.
Self development start with good personal care, education, sports and willingness to differ from the mainstream crowd.
It all starts from within! Do things YOU want and have to do and remember that YOU do them for YOURSELF in the first place! Respect yourself! Everything else comes second!

Alex
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Alex
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Hahaha! It cracks me up whenever any man spews nonsense like this to make himself feel better about the fact that women essentially control him.

It sounds exactly like when women say “Oh, I wear make-up and pretty dresses and high heels for myself! I love being creative and I’m not doing any of these things to seek the attention of men. Every girl should do all these things only for herself because the attention of guys don’t matter! Girl power!”

Bullshit.

CardinalMethod
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CardinalMethod
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Hilarious article, and completely true. My regime is not quite as extensive, but it’s pretty gay nonetheless.

splooge
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splooge
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ya this is real problem with me. i just dont know how to fix my acne,pic marks,whiteheads and discoloration.been strglin with it and has ruined my chances with women. any advice to fix it so i can fix and finallyget laid.

Jay
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Jay
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I know how you feel I had that shit for 14 years nothing helped only accutane which is crazy drug, I did not wanted to take it because it have many side effects people did even suicide after using it, and to be honest it caused big depression also for me. But now I’m over depression and skin is clear from acne almost 2 years.

splooge
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splooge
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least it worked i tried it back in high school and im stilll gettin it.

TestIt
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TestIt
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Zinc deficiency, bro – get some zinc tablets, take 2 a day, watch the zits go away after about 2 weeks. Also, cut out all dairy products.

Shaun
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Shaun
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hey dude, i used to be really spotty in my teens and even at uni and you know the thing that worked for me…sea salt? Mix it with warm water and wash/bathe your face in it, will work wonders

Jay
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Jay
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Roosh I have read many your posts most are great but this is crazy …

“Stroke my balls with my hand and then smell it to ensure lack of odor” really??? Frankly I never did that and never had problems with girls it’s just common sense to take shower before sex and then you wont have such ridiculous checks.

“Wash clothes” ??? Are you kidding me? Well I wash clothes not because it help me laid but again it’s just common sense i do it for myself not to get laid…

Overall yes maybe you are true I see many men are going to

cosmetologist making lot of procedures which nobody would ever do 20-30 years or more ago. Make their hair with gair gel every day etc. But from this list many things are basic which everybody should do just for health and hygiene or is just common sense.

and this is best gem in your post:

“Wipe my ass thoroughly” Loool

henry winkler
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henry winkler
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I think this is the post where Roosh has officially jumped the shark.

Lazer
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Lazer
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The modern man must also use detergents and grooming agents which contain the very estrogenic chemicals that are feminizing men, and causing massive hormonal disruptions. Thats just the stuff thats in the packaging, not to mention whats in the actual substance itself. The manosphere is a bunch of feminized faggots. If they took that drive and turned it toward science wed have starships, colonies in the solar system, and zero-point field energy. Which makes me wonder if any of you even have testosterone above 700ng/dl. Thats the level at which Dark Triad Traits disappear.

cle
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cle
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If anyone will go through all this shit because of a bitch deserve to be called a big fucking beta loser!

All you have to do is: trim the hair on your private parts, trim or shave your beard, take a shower, wear some nice clothes, put on some perfume to smell good, comb your hair and your ready.
BTW i will do all this for myself so i will feel better and not for some bitch i don’t even know cause that doesn’t make any sense at all. If a women likes me that’s great but if she don’t like me she can go fuck herself, after all there is many fish in the sea razz

Feral Kat
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Feral Kat
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But, but what about thorough ass wiping? Because I really hate it. But chicks seem to dig a clean ass and all.

do_this
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do_this
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Roosh–

Please include transcripts below videos you post. I am not a millenial and would much rather read.

Thanks!

Kermit
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Kermit
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And what about womens’ hygiene? Your grandfather may not have used old spice after all, but his mother likely didn’t shave her legs, much less her pubes, unless she was highly cosmopolitan. And you can bet her breath was awful. It works both ways.

The practical observations/advice on this blog is very good. However, the philosophy should be taken with a grain of salt.

TestIt
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TestIt
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Yeah, you filthy Euro and North Americans, in the Middle East our broads were removing hair from their entire bodies from the neck down for 5000 years, at least, as soon as they hit puberty.

Men and women here were using baking soda (bicarbonate) for teeth, breath and deodorant as well as mint leaves, fenugreek, etc. for good smell, full breasts and balls, etc. All without covering up natural pheromones.

We also bathed regularly, not once in our lifetime if we were lucky enough (talking about until after Industrial Age in Europe).

Faggoty Western dudes and sloppy Western broads with their expensive stinky perfumes (ever wonder why it’s called ‘toilet water’, eh?), chemical hair products that make them bald and sexless, etc., just because the idiot box tells you it makes you attractive? Hah.

Chuckawobbly
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Chuckawobbly
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‘YOUR broads’? Doubtful you are from the middle east and doubtful you know what the fuck you are talking about cave boy.

Laser
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Laser
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you don’t need so grooming to fuck a girl for the 2nd time, , also if you get some lover or girlfriend, after 2 or 3 sessions of sex you can relax because they become accustomed to your natural odors
you need high grooming for 1st dates or if you are constantly chasing new girls everywhere

TestIt
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TestIt
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Nonsense – one needs to be CLEAN, that grooming shit is for fags and fakers. Take a damn shower with some natural soap (no chemical kind) and then put some essential oil of your choice mixed with water on you, after your shower and shave. Didn’t any of you have a real man of a father who you saw doing this stuff at the crack of dawn before he went to work?

Wipes his ass thoroughly? As if he doesn’t do that properly if he’s not going for attempted ‘bang’? WTF?

Mouth hygiene and washing his face and eyes in the morning only for attempted ‘bang’ day? No wonder they put signs in crappers telling to ‘please wash hands’ for goons like that.

weethomas
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weethomas
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Spoken like a guy not in either of the two situations he described!

Tiger Jockey
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Jack Donovan puts it best in his essay “Everyone A Harlot” especially the last section talking about tribal leaders in Afghanistan.

“Recently, I watched Restrepo,
a documentary about soldiers fighting in Afghanistan. There was this
scene in it where the Americans had to negotiate with local tribal
elders. The elders were a bunch of dead serious-looking old dudes and
their long beards were dyed bright red with henna.

Our tribal “allies” in the graveyard of empires have their problems.
They shit in their hands and rape little boys. Their customs leave room
for improvement.

However, as I watched their grave eyes, I wondered if any of these men had spent much time wondering, ‘Am I hot, or not?'”
You can read the whole thing here
http://www.jack-donovan.com/axis/2012/07/everyone-a-harlot/

Or you can get his book of essays “A Sky Without Eagles.”

We’re all slowly morphing into Patrick Bateman
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46-WNPlCYsg

Oc.Va.
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Oc.Va.
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Thanks for the link to the essay. I took a glance and it seems quite on point.

Roosh addresses here one of the major problems that I had observed in the manosphere regarding game, based on my own experiences… It is true that being dominant and strong is a good thing for men, but it is definitely not enough to get laid today. I have known plenty of “masculine” dudes who couldn’t hold a candle to the usual metrosexual faggot when it came down to “scoring”… modern men are truly clowns. I have always hated shopping for clothes and similar stuff, yet it is amazingly becoming unavoidable if you want to be attractive.

Harry Mann
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Harry Mann
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If you are not getting laid, the problem is likely that you forgot to wipe your ass. : [

roman43
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roman43
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So you’re saying that if there were no bangable women, you wouldn’t do any of this grooming?

Chuckawobbly
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Chuckawobbly
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Yes it’s a shame that a slimy, scumball male must actually have to clean up a bit and smell like a human being to get laid…yawn…

Chuckawobbly
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Chuckawobbly
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You mean women don’t dig smelly, unkempt men? Who knew?

blowingoffgodot
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blowingoffgodot
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boo hoo, you have to wash your balls. How tragic.

AtomicMutant
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AtomicMutant
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I don’t want to sound too rational or something, but… How exactly do you think the women of these ancients tribes looked and smelled like, if you assume that the men smelled bad? If you are thinking of some playmate dressed in skimpy fur… Well, think again.
But if you still want to do it like the ancient tribes, then I suggest looking for potential partners under bridges – if you move in with your new bride, you can even skip all that stupid hygiene thingy yourself.

Bob
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Bob
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Oh no, you don’t have to wipe your arse or have a wash do you? The sheer fucking inhumanity of it!

Shock news everyone, humans prefer other humans who don’t smell like a turd or look like a coughed up furball. Imagine my surprise.

Lola
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Lola
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This must be sooo hard for you. Do you have any idea at all what women do to make themselves “attractive” for men? I assure you the list is exponentially longer. 90% of the items on this list are basic hygiene habits. If you don’t want to do these things solely for yourself, you clearly don’t value your body enough to want to take care of it.

seahen
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seahen
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How many generations is it we’ve evolved in a world with toothpaste now?

Greek Boy
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Greek Boy
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Maybe if you weren’t so fugly…

fuck you
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fuck you
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literally men in the 1800s invented a seperate kind of tea cup so as to not melt their mustache wax i.e. they used mustache wax
stop bitching you are literally disgusting like you need to do all of those things to not be a disgusting slob bro

jswft
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jswft
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yeah wiping my ass is too much work, im just gonna stop.

ezra.jones
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ezra.jones
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Bad breath and toe jam are not trivial LMFAO sorry that it bothers you/makes you pissedly seethe that you have to bathe

Fake Drake
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Fake Drake
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My routine includes much much more than that. As a woman I’m expected to dress sexy, shave my entire body, pluck eyebrows, do hair and makeup, vaginal maintanence, etc etc