No New Years Club

It’s that time of year where you start asking your friends, “So what are you doing for New Years?” Panic strikes as Christmas approaches and you still have no idea what lame party you are going to. Well I’ll tell you what I’m doing for New Years: I am cooking myself a meal from my Betty Crocker cookbook, drinking a bottle of wine (probably a Riesling), turning off my phone, watching a movie, masturbating, and then going to bed. Total cost: $20. For me there will be no party, no countdown, no overpriced entry fee, no mass text messages, no cheap Champagne, and no party amateurs celebrating another year of life they wasted. Why bother? The people who love New Years Eve are the same who love making a big deal on their birthday. Well there is an age where you stop making a big deal of both — that age is 9.

Now I will not judge you if you spend $100 to pretend that you are fun. It is your money and you can do whatever you want with it, but let’s be honest: I am superior to you. I know that fun can not be bought. I know that very little good can can come out of packed crowds. I know that bar and club owners are diluting their vodka as we speak. Everyone tries so hard on New Years (“Oh my God I need to buy a new dress!”) that all you end up with is a bunch of losers acting unnatural, praying that they will find someone with a heartbeat to make out with. I will have my own party — a hand party — and I guarantee you it will be fun.

Related Posts For You

newest oldest most voted
Tampa
Guest
Tampa
Offline

classic and so true

KassyK
Guest
KassyK
Offline

Agreed. I’ll be doing the same only with my girlfriends and some champagne. I don’t think I’ve had a big New Years since 2002. Pointless.

Anonymous
Guest
Anonymous
Offline

lame

Lonnie Bruner
Guest

There’s tremendous pressure for singles around New Year’s; since most of their social activity is attempts to put themselves in close proximity to the opposite sex and make a connection, when there’s no pay off, it can be devastating, emotionally.

And with an event like NYE, the pressure is doubled. When there’s a failure to live up to society’s expectations for NYE, it’s too much of a risk for some.

I think Roosh may not be alone in his 12/31/06 plans…

… However, this married man will have his hands on a cold bottle of Bollinger and my wife’s booty. You can bet on that.

– LB

Steve Lurkel
Guest
Steve Lurkel
Offline

“Agreed. I’ll be doing the same only with my girlfriends and some champagne.”

KassyK, does that include the masturbating bit? I think I need to go outside and cool off now.

Brunch Bird
Guest

My boyfriend calls New Year’s “Amateur Night,” and steadfastly refuses to go out. I agree wholeheartedly.

Anonymous
Guest
Anonymous
Offline

I’ll be in Zurich, Switzerland…so its likely I will be going out, but not because its New Years, but because I’m in Zurich.

I will masturbate too I’m sure. Unless of course I’m lucky enough to bring some Swiss man back to the hotel.

Otherwise, I agree…New Years is lame. Last year my friends and I went to Baltimore just for a change of scenery. It was low key, low pressure and more fun than I’ve had on most other New Years Eve.

Anonymous
Guest
Anonymous
Offline

I’ll be in the south of France.

Joe T.
Guest
Joe T.
Offline

Hey Anonymous who’ll be in Zurich… I’m here today staying at a hotel right on the Limmatquai! Probably won’t be here for NY though as it’s my Mom’s b-day.

T Brax
Guest
T Brax
Offline

Man, that may have been the realest sh*t you’ve ever wrote. LMAO

hedonistic
Guest
hedonistic
Offline

New Years Eve house parties are the best, especially if sleepovers are optional (no worries about driving). Then again, last year I ended up with a blind date at a strip club. I don’t recommend it.

House party, definitely.

Anonymous
Guest
Anonymous
Offline

God I hate NYE…waste of money, always some kind of drama, it’s worse than Valentine’s Day – single or not for either one.

Last year I was asleep by midnight on NYE – and it was the best ever…

I second your plans.

Anonymous
Guest
Anonymous
Offline

I recommend calling an ex and trying to get into her pants “for old times sake”, because it’s a known commodity. I think I’m doing that this year.

Miles
Guest
Miles
Offline

I can pinpoint the exact moment when I came to Roosh’s point of view. December 31, 2005, 10pm, Kelly’s Irish Times, $60 all-you-can-drink, when in a sea of people desperate to have THE MOST FUN NEW YEAR’S EVER, I saw a guy throw up … in the middle of the bar … on the floor. Gotta get your 60 dollars’ worth, even if it means you’re vomiting uncontrollably two hours before the New Year even arrives. This year I think it’ll be movies and the couch for me, thanks.

seduce any woman
Guest

Lol 😀

Roissy
Guest
Roissy
Offline

if you’re gonna crusade to carve out a heretical new year’s niche it’s best to share the spoils of schism with a ruby-lipsticked champagne-smoothed partner in protest. hand and kleenex don’t glow with erotic sizzle to the sound of a nimble tongue.

so if you fuck that noize, fuck it right. rooftop, crytal flutes, vintage boombox, spaceheater, chaise lounge, celestial ceiling.
simultaneous orgasm at the stroke of midnight. if you can pull off that last bit she’ll never be able to give herself to another man with 100% of her heart.

Sweatpants
Guest
Sweatpants
Offline

New Years is just an excuse to party and have fun with your friends, no need to be cynical about it. On the other hand, if you spend a hundred bucks on it, you’re probably doing it wrong.

Jay Gatsby
Guest
Jay Gatsby
Offline

Personally, I recommend having a great meal somewhere (Morton’s springs to mind) and Khalua & Coffee at midnight. If you’re going to blow $100+ on yourself, why not really get your money’s worth? The idea of drinking $100 worth of cheap, well-brand booze and eating nasty hors d’oeuvres with a bunch of people about whom I couldn’t give two shits doesn’t even compare.

kbee
Guest
kbee
Offline

Amateur night, indeed. I’ll be curling up with my other half and a stack o’ netflix. Fa la la la la.

Rudy and Blitz
Guest
Rudy and Blitz
Offline

Jay Gatsby would not be caught dead at Morton’s, and neither should you. Very Reston of you….

Anonymous
Guest
Anonymous
Offline

ur all faggots

E :)
Guest
E :)
Offline

I don’t know what I’ll be doing. Probably going to sleep. How boring. I just don’t care this year – I did Times Square last year so that’s enough for me forever I think.

Mad1
Guest
Mad1
Offline

Ahhh Roosh..I can hear Promoters banning together to march against your blog..I understand what you are sayin..nye is the most hyped night of the year..this is the time of year when venues triple their cover charge and over lame snacks and cheap champagne…but sadly.Conn ave and surrounding areas will be jammed packed on Sunday…but good post though….

Namaste
Guest
Namaste
Offline

Sounds like what I did last year. The invite is open for NYC. No clubs, though. That would be so cliche. But baking a Betty Crocker meal, drinking a bottle of wine and watching each other masturbate…would be priceless.

Jewcano
Guest
Jewcano
Offline

I did the whole ‘stay at home and whack off’ thing last year, albeit with less masturbation and more watching of movies. All in all, lame. Not lame in the sense of “Ohmigod I’ve got to go out and party because it’s new years wOOOOOO’ but lame in the same way that sitting around in your pajamas on a night that you have no viable reason why you couldn’t go out and have fun is always lame. I mean, you don’t have to work the next day, there’s plenty of people out, and damn near everywhere will have drink specials. Avoid the DUI roadblocks and you’re golden.

It’s been growing more and more obvious to me, but especially since Halloween I’ve noticed that people in DC take going out on the town way too fucking seriously to actually enjoy it. (How much money do people spend on costumes? Mine cost ten bucks and took maybe 2 hours tops to pull together, because I suck at sewing. Most people looked liked they’d paid hundreds of bucks on designer costumes and still looked retarded.) So I can see why you guys are down on NYE, since I can see it being just as much of a clown show. But instead of fapping the night away, just get a couple of buds, go to some cheapass local bar and get plastered on not champagne but good old beer. Sing stupid songs, act like fools and have fun. You don’t have to spend a lot of cash and you don’t have to get all hussied up. Plus, you can go out after midnight and try to puke on all the people limping home in tuxedoes.

Benny Hinn Touched Me
Guest
Benny Hinn Touched Me
Offline

Yeah man, I ordered a male escort and got smashed on meth and then smashed him for NYE…..Hey guys I’m looking to purchase a private jet so I can fly all over the world and crusade for god and spread his word of love and joy to numbskull africans who haven’t been warned about me. I only take credit cards and cash, no checks. I’ll say a prayer for you in return………

Kate
Guest
Kate
Offline

I’ll bring the Riesling. I’ll be enjoying the same thing…probably equal parts wine and masturbation. You should call. I’m sort of kidding. Sort of…

Sudamericana
Guest
Sudamericana
Offline

I’ll be in Italy (Venice, most specifically) and I will have fun.

Free Slots
Guest
Free Slots
Offline

CooL site with impotant information!! Free Slots.

toomuchcoffeelady
Guest

Mr. TMCL and I go downtown and laugh at the drunks staggering out of the bars.

Greg
Guest
Greg
Offline

I’ll be in Iraq hopefully there will be a couple of artillary rounds to light up the night and make it that special time. guarrenteed to be some masturbation as the government does not believe in nice old fashioned prostitution in a war zone. Just feel bad for us here, and dcb get out there and at least get a piece of ass you have the freedom to do it, bask in that 🙂

Jack Donovan
Guest

Total agreement. I’ve been in the no new years club for years. Why? Because being hungover is a stupid way to start a new year.

Halloween is also a retarded amateur party night, and another great night to get a DUI or killed by a drunk driver. I skip those days and drink the rest of the year.

Like a boss.

Turner
Guest
Turner
Offline

So fucking true. I hate NYE. Most over hyped retard fest ever. Similar hype to most of the biggest and best party scenes I have seen around Europe ( unless you are into men and drugs).

None
Guest
None
Offline

Well, private parties are not so bad where no one gives a fuck about new dresses.

dragnet
Guest
dragnet
Offline

I’m going skiing New Years and getting laid—I highly recommend this.

beta_plus
Guest
beta_plus
Offline

@Hedonistic

Beat me to it. I will be going to house parties. Best house parties of the year vs. worst night of the year for bars.

But remember to go to a logistically good bar for Jan 1st for girls upset that they got no alpha cock for New Years Eve. Heartiste wrote about this but I cannot find the post.