Dear Retired Pimp,
What a difference a couple years make! I don’t believe you’re going to be a dad. While I’m not sure myself about getting married and having children, the fact that you married a foreign bride who from day one cooked, cleaned, and served your needs means I’m not too worried about your future. I don’t see your marriage winding up like the typical, sad case where once a month you pump through your wife’s hand as she reads gardening magazines.
I don’t have any marriage or relationship advice for you. That’s not my specialty. But you recently told me you’re having a baby girl. This is where karma could potentially bite men like us in the ass. If you do a good job raising her then she won’t end up the neighborhood bicycle like many of the girls we’ve smashed. Remember that one night we pulled this old broad to my place and almost tag teamed her? All three of us were half naked at one point. She was straddling on top of you and while you played with her breasts I gave her a shoulder rub. I think I was sitting on top of your thighs. I wonder if our friendship would have changed if she let…
Here are some parenting tips:
1. If you don’t give her enough attention, she will be insecure and go after any smooth talker who calls her pretty. These men will eventually use and abuse her. She won’t leave because she’ll have no self-esteem. But if you spoil her rotten, she will gravitate towards the assholes who don’t give her any attention. I’d err on the side of giving too much attention short of creating a princess.
2. Being a good parent is not hard, it just takes time. This is why most take the easy way out and stick the kid in front of the television. All that will do is train her to be an obedient consumer. Her brain is like a sponge and it’s up to you on what she soaks up. My little brother’s favorite foods happens to be processed shit made by Kraft and McDonalds. His attention span is shorter than a cat’s. Coincidence?
3. Buy a gun. After she goes through puberty, there are going to be men knocking the door, especially because of her exotic background. Be strict about dating but not too strict because then she will just do it behind your back. (She’ll rebel by screwing some dude she doesn’t care for in the first place.) I see no harm in following her around town. By then it won’t be necessary because they’ll have GPS devices you can attach to her belongings.
4. Watch the show WifeSwap on ABC. It’s not particularly good but it offers a fascinating look at how parenting styles shape children. How does that saying go… “Our lives are a continuation of our parents’.” With everything you do to your daughter there will be an effect, sometimes unintended.
Oh on the show you’ll also see that most parents are so retarded that it will be pretty much impossible for you to raise a complete screw-up.
5. If you tell her who not to date, it’s a 100% guarantee she will bring that type of man home. Trying to fix things when she is already of age will be hopeless. Her mate selection will be determined by the way you raise her (see no. 1).
6. You will be completely gray in a few years. You don’t strike me as a patient man but you will now learn. Either that or you go insane. The next five years until she starts school will be especially tough. If you need to take a break I can babysit her for $15 an hour including meals and unlimited pay-per-view entertainment. My resume includes babysitting my younger siblings. It’s true: I didn’t even flinch when my little brother did doo-doo in his pants three times in a span of four hours. I cleaned it with a big smile each time.
7. Consider private education. Have you been to a public school recently? I have and it’s not pretty. I recently confused my 12-year-old brother’s writing for the 5-year-old because his handwriting was so bad. I felt bad at first but now I regularly make fun of his chicken scratch to shame him into improving. I made a really good joke the other night which I’d like to share with you right now.
The 5-year-old is practicing his letters so his mom bought him this huge workbook where he writes and colors each letter of the alphabet. It’s the size of a poster board. When both of the brothers were in the same room I flipped open the workbook and gave approving nods. Then deadpan I said: “[12-year-old], I’m looking at your recent work and I really like how your handwriting is improving.” I flipped through another couple pages. “Your B’s and E’s are getting especially good. Keep it up brother I’m proud of you.”
He’s getting pissed and the little one, not yet able to pick up sarcasm, is yelling, “No, it’s mine!!! It’s mine!!! Those are my letters!!!! Not his!!! I did it!!!” It was beautiful. Now the little one thinks his handwriting is better than a 12-year-old’s. Two birds with one stone I say.
Anyway, they didn’t even teach the older one to write in cursive like we had to learn. He can barely read it. And this is Montgomery County we’re talking about. It has gotten much worse since our days.
8. Delay as long as possible until she has her first alcoholic beverage. Studies show that the sooner a person tries alcohol, the more he or she will abuse it. You don’t want her ending up like so many of the girls we’ve met who get sloppy, stumble over bar stools, and need to be carried out by friends. They wake up with sore vaginas and don’t know why. If she is the type of girl that slams shots and then stumbles off the bar and it’s not her birthday, I’m afraid you’ve failed.
The person she will become is almost entirely in your hands my friend. In a sense you are now a god.