Open Letter To A Friend

Dear Retired Pimp,

What a difference a couple years make! I don’t believe you’re going to be a dad. While I’m not sure myself about getting married and having children, the fact that you married a foreign bride who from day one cooked, cleaned, and served your needs means I’m not too worried about your future. I don’t see your marriage winding up like the typical, sad case where once a month you pump through your wife’s hand as she reads gardening magazines.

I don’t have any marriage or relationship advice for you. That’s not my specialty. But you recently told me you’re having a baby girl. This is where karma could potentially bite men like us in the ass. If you do a good job raising her then she won’t end up the neighborhood bicycle like many of the girls we’ve smashed. Remember that one night we pulled this old broad to my place and almost tag teamed her? All three of us were half naked at one point. She was straddling on top of you and while you played with her breasts I gave her a shoulder rub. I think I was sitting on top of your thighs. I wonder if our friendship would have changed if she let…

Anyway.

Here are some parenting tips:

1. If you don’t give her enough attention, she will be insecure and go after any smooth talker who calls her pretty. These men will eventually use and abuse her. She won’t leave because she’ll have no self-esteem. But if you spoil her rotten, she will gravitate towards the assholes who don’t give her any attention. I’d err on the side of giving too much attention short of creating a princess.

2. Being a good parent is not hard, it just takes time. This is why most take the easy way out and stick the kid in front of the television. All that will do is train her to be an obedient consumer. Her brain is like a sponge and it’s up to you on what she soaks up. My little brother’s favorite foods happens to be processed shit made by Kraft and McDonalds. His attention span is shorter than a cat’s. Coincidence?

3. Buy a gun. After she goes through puberty, there are going to be men knocking the door, especially because of her exotic background. Be strict about dating but not too strict because then she will just do it behind your back. (She’ll rebel by screwing some dude she doesn’t care for in the first place.) I see no harm in following her around town. By then it won’t be necessary because they’ll have GPS devices you can attach to her belongings.

4. Watch the show WifeSwap on ABC. It’s not particularly good but it offers a fascinating look at how parenting styles shape children. How does that saying go… “Our lives are a continuation of our parents’.” With everything you do to your daughter there will be an effect, sometimes unintended.

Oh on the show you’ll also see that most parents are so retarded that it will be pretty much impossible for you to raise a complete screw-up.

5. If you tell her who not to date, it’s a 100% guarantee she will bring that type of man home. Trying to fix things when she is already of age will be hopeless. Her mate selection will be determined by the way you raise her (see no. 1).

6. You will be completely gray in a few years. You don’t strike me as a patient man but you will now learn. Either that or you go insane. The next five years until she starts school will be especially tough. If you need to take a break I can babysit her for $15 an hour including meals and unlimited pay-per-view entertainment. My resume includes babysitting my younger siblings. It’s true: I didn’t even flinch when my little brother did doo-doo in his pants three times in a span of four hours. I cleaned it with a big smile each time.

7. Consider private education. Have you been to a public school recently? I have and it’s not pretty. I recently confused my 12-year-old brother’s writing for the 5-year-old because his handwriting was so bad. I felt bad at first but now I regularly make fun of his chicken scratch to shame him into improving. I made a really good joke the other night which I’d like to share with you right now.

The 5-year-old is practicing his letters so his mom bought him this huge workbook where he writes and colors each letter of the alphabet. It’s the size of a poster board. When both of the brothers were in the same room I flipped open the workbook and gave approving nods. Then deadpan I said: “[12-year-old], I’m looking at your recent work and I really like how your handwriting is improving.” I flipped through another couple pages. “Your B’s and E’s are getting especially good. Keep it up brother I’m proud of you.”

He’s getting pissed and the little one, not yet able to pick up sarcasm, is yelling, “No, it’s mine!!! It’s mine!!! Those are my letters!!!! Not his!!! I did it!!!” It was beautiful. Now the little one thinks his handwriting is better than a 12-year-old’s. Two birds with one stone I say.

Anyway, they didn’t even teach the older one to write in cursive like we had to learn. He can barely read it. And this is Montgomery County we’re talking about. It has gotten much worse since our days.

8. Delay as long as possible until she has her first alcoholic beverage. Studies show that the sooner a person tries alcohol, the more he or she will abuse it. You don’t want her ending up like so many of the girls we’ve met who get sloppy, stumble over bar stools, and need to be carried out by friends. They wake up with sore vaginas and don’t know why. If she is the type of girl that slams shots and then stumbles off the bar and it’s not her birthday, I’m afraid you’ve failed.

The person she will become is almost entirely in your hands my friend. In a sense you are now a god.

Good luck,

Roosh

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Lemmonex
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Regarding sex, I suggest you take my father’s approach. When I was 7 years old my father gave me the only advice he ever bestowed upon me regarding sex. “Lem”, he said, “Never, EVER, let a man put a penis in your vagina until you are married.”

For real though, I agree with Roosh. You don’t want a princess, but more attention is better than less. And for the love of Christ, if your daughter is chubby or has a bad haircut or maybe has some weird social ticks, don’t point it out to her. Encourage her to eat a little better, grow out her hair or become more social, but always love her.

Lemmonex’s last blog post: Managing Expectations.

cws
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My wife teaches second grade in Montgomery County and it’s horrible. Yes some teachers suck, but mostly it’s the administration and the bullsh*t they have to do that almost completely defeats the purpose of school in the first place. As someone who went from K-12 in Montgomery County, it drives me nuts to see how far the great MoCo school system has fallen. I don’t know if private school is any better, but then again, I married a teacher so I shouldn’t have anything to worry about with my kids muhahaha.

Peter
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Consider private education. Have you been to a public school recently? I have and it’s not pretty.

I suport publick skools.

Peter’s last blog post: Thursday, November 11.

Anonymous
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Anonymous
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You are so different from roissy.
Mind if I steal your philosophy on life post modified with my own thougths

Anonymous
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Anonymous
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While I’m not sure myself about getting married and having children, the fact that you married a foreign bride who from day one cooked, cleaned, and served your needs means I’m not too worried about your future. I don’t see your marriage winding up like the typical, sad case where once a month you pump through your wife’s hand as she reads gardening magazines.

This only works if you limit her exposure to obnoxious American feminists. I’ve heard of many guys who have had their foreign girls or wives ruined by the influence of American women. Especially keep her away from black American women, they will have her acting sassy and demanding in no time flat.

Anyway, they didn’t even teach the older one to write in cursive like we had to learn. He can barely read it. And this is Montgomery County we’re talking about. It has gotten much worse since our days.

WHAT?! Is this for real?

T. AKA Ricky Raw
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Oops, last comment was me.

T. AKA Ricky Raw’s last blog post: Tolerance.

josh
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Som?

Rick
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Rick
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Roosh, I enjoyed this post. One thing though – I’m slightly biased since I went to one of the best public schools in the nation, but private schools definitely aren’t the answer. It’s all about what you do at home (ie, not leaving your kid in front of the TV all day as you mentioned, reading to them, etc). The problem isnt the shitty schools – though many are shitty for a variety of reasons – the problem is the parents.

Anonymous
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“You don’t want her ending up like so many of the girls we’ve met who get sloppy, stumble over bar schools, and need to be carried out by friends”

Bar schools? So that’s why our public education system is so bad. They’re serving alcohol along with algebra?

The G Manifesto
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Great post. I have never thought about what it would take to raise a daughter.

And hopefully I never will.

Regarding public schools, I think they are great.

Where else are you going to learn to:

Fight
Deal Drugs
Gamble
Pimp

?

– MPM

The G Manifesto’s last blog post: Down Economy: Bar Poaching.

DF
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DF
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This is great advice. I love kids and see myself having them someday but I know the score. Good looking parents have a higher likelihood of having daughters instead of sons according to research, which means I’m fucked ’cause there are few jobs harder than raising good daughters in this culture. Its almost impossible to have daughters stay clear of the influence of ballcutting feminists with ass backward values.

finefantastic
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i concur on the wife swap… it is a parenting guide as well as an incisive social analysis. i’m referring largely to the infamous “god warrior” episode.

finefantastic’s last blog post: Big Brother.

Sweatpants
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Encourage your kids to read books for god’s sake.

crow
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crow
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good post…

T. AKA Ricky Raw
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Regarding public schools, I think they are great.

Where else are you going to learn to:

Fight
Deal Drugs
Gamble
Pimp

Maybe not so much the fighting, but the latter 3 you can learn in Catholic school. Especially the “pimping” part. Lots of screwed up “fast” girls in Catholic school, at least when I was growing up. It’s takes the unique brand of repression found in a Catholic school to create a loose, sleazy attention whore like Madonna.

T. AKA Ricky Raw’s last blog post: Tolerance.

Dynamo Kiev
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Good post.. One day we’re all going to be retired pimps and rugrats running about, so better to start thinking about it now rather than later. A son is so much easier… “Fight, fuck, feast, kill!”

Arjewtino
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Good fashion choice in the photo.

Arjewtino’s last blog post: Does this Washingtonian interview make my butt look fat?.

virgle kent
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“This is where karma could potentially bite men like us in the ass”

ha ha ha… the life we’ve chose, payback is a bitch… daughters, I konw mine are are going to be hot as hell… fuck!

Just one son… make sure my pimp juice lives for ever

roissy
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i think i met “retired pimp”‘s wife once. she’s hot!

roissy’s last blog post: Porker Potential.

The G Manifesto
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“Maybe not so much the fighting, but the latter 3 you can learn in Catholic school.”

True. My little brother went to a bunch of private schools and he learned all the necessary skills too.

– MPM

The G Manifesto’s last blog post: Down Economy: Bar Poaching.

virgle kent
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I think it helps that “retired Pimp” wife is Russian….

HOLLA!

Anonymous
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Anonymous
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Tame. Much of this is great if you want to have a regular life (i.e. handwriting? Alcohol?). What about — learn to tie a sheep-shank; it’ll come in handy when you’re long-lining in the Bering Sea. Tie your boots … cause water-buffalo’s do charge. Learn some urdu… you’ll need it to find great food in Karachi.

Benedict Smith
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i’d rather have a princess on my hands than a daughter completely at the mercy of being super needy and willing to date any f’ing loser that comes her way. i just know i’ll have twin girls one day….and the karma will be harsh.

Benedict Smith’s last blog post: Wednesday = Another flat tire and a hangover in a parking lot.

Ned
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Ned
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haha i have a friend whose wife got pregnant. when he told me, my stomach dropped. then i remembered he’d been trying to do that.

The G Manifesto
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“i’d rather have a princess on my hands than a daughter completely at the mercy of being super needy and willing to date any f’ing loser that comes her way.”

Don’t talk about it.

Your just going to jinx yourself.

Just playing.

– MPM

The G Manifesto’s last blog post: Los Angeles (55 Seconds).

John C
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I have a 6 year old nephew that I adore and have enjoyed babysitting on a regular basis. ( I am in my late 30’s )

Here is my advice.

Treat children with dignity and respect.

Don’t try and impose your will on a child, patience is the key , along with what I call “diversion” tactics … diverting their attention away from what they are creating a fuss over.

You patience WILL be tested , NEVER lose your self control.

Children will test and test and test you, from a very early age. Therefore …Set limits on what is ok and what is not ok.

Criticising a child is stupid and damaging. Positive reinforcement is the key , give them positive feedback on what they go right. But don’t overdo it.

Don’t give them threats that you cannot carry out.

Put a child in a room FULL of the best toys you can buy and they will be bored before you can make a cup of coffee. Children need INTERACTION with other children and adults. A kid will have more fun and learn more with an empty cardboard box and another interacting child or adult that ANY wizzbang toy. <— note to mothers and fathers persuing their “careers” or chasing the dollar.

Peter
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A kid will have more fun and learn more with an empty cardboard box and another interacting child or adult that ANY wizzbang toy.

My very favorite toy when I was a little kid was a broken golf club. I used to pretend it was a machine gun and shoot down enemy aircraft.

Peter’s last blog post: Wednesday, November 12.

Sameer
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Nice point peter. That also goes to the no guns rule some stupid parents and schools have. If a kid wants a toy gun, he’ll have a toy gun. It can be a golf club, but as far as the kid is concerned, it is a toy gun.

Sameer
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(I should add that I also object to toy guns. I say give the kid a real gun.)

The G Manifesto
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My little brothers favorite toy when he was a kid was a butterfly knife.

He can flip that thing like Bruce Lee….

– MPM

The G Manifesto’s last blog post: Los Angeles (55 Seconds).

josh
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Karma
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Karma
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Actually I have a better karma for you guys.

Instead of a slut daughter, which in this country is a 1/3 likelihood to begin with, you will have a beta son that, no matter how hard you try, will live the beta life.

Benedict Smith
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ugh. good point Karma. that would be soooo much more irritating in its own way. biologically, we’re inclined to fear a whorish daughter more….but seeing my boy live a life of servitude to women…..perish the sad thought.

Benedict Smith’s last blog post: Benedict Attends a Sexaholics Anonymous Meeting – Boredom Ensues, Realization Results.

T. AKA Ricky Raw
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Worst of both worlds…an incurably beta son who gets married to and dominated by a totally whorish skank.

T. AKA Ricky Raw’s last blog post: Tolerance.

Alpha Male
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Rooshv

Usually your advice is dead-on solid, but this is the worst advice I’ve almost ever heard.

>Delay as long as possible until she has her
>first alcoholic beverage. Studies show that the
>sooner a person tries alcohol, the more he or
>she will abuse it. You don’t want her ending up
>like so many of the girls we’ve met who get
>sloppy, stumble over bar stools, and need to be
>carried out by friends. They wake up with sore
>vaginas and don’t know why.

Alcohol needs to be demystified… One so they know what the edge of a buzz feels and two so they don’t pound that shit to begin with.

I was always amazed by how many frosh chicks got sent off to my Uni with never having tasted beer before. Get what happened to most during orientation week… They woke up with sore vaginas wondering why….

You don’t see kids binging on the continent… That’s because it is a part of life.

Anonymous
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“You don’t see kids binging on the continent… That’s because it is a part of life.”

except for the english hooligans

Rudy
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If she looks like she is going to turn out to be hot, which most men can tell at an earlier age than most would like to admit, short of perfect parenting, your best bet is to somehow disfigure her in a way that doesn’t completely negate her self confidence yet causes her to rely on a skill set rather than on being attractive.

Because honestly why learn to hold a conversation, have your own ideas, or be a contributing member of society if you can succeed without doing so.

Rudy’s last blog post: disturbed, entertained, and possibly aroused.

Chic Noir
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DA said opps I mean t This only works if you limit her exposure to obnoxious American feminists. I’ve heard of many guys who have had their foreign girls or wives ruined by the influence of American women. Especially keep her away from black American women, they will have her acting sassy and demanding in no time flat

Please stop T, you don’t know all of us.

Chic Noir’s last blog post: Justine Timbderlake on SNL.

Anonymous
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Um babysitting? I would not let this guy anywhere near my daughter… Creepy… The guy who wrote this should be Neutered.