Respect

A friend was recently telling me a story about a wingman of his. It seems this guy has good game and a lot of balls. He is the type of player who will approach any girl at any time, even if she is with her boyfriend. One time his wingman walked right up to a girl in a bar who was with her boyfriend and totally captivated the girl to the point the wing had his arm around the girl and the girl was totally ignoring her boyfriend. The boyfriend kept trying to get his girlfriend’s attention but she blew him off to keep talking to the player. Finally, in desperation, the boyfriend grabbed his girlfriend and started kissing her in order to ward off the player.

This story got me thinking. It’s pretty obvious the girl above had no respect for her boyfriend. Who knows what her motivation may have been, maybe she was pissed at him for something he did and was getting him back, maybe things were good but she wanted to make him jealous, or maybe she just really dug the payer dude and got lost in a trance with him. But whatever the issue, she massively disrespected her boyfriend.

I could call the girl out for acting like a bitch, which she was doing, but I am more tempted to call the boyfriend out. Bro, how could you let your relationship get to the point where your girlfriend would disrespect you like that? Your girl flirted with another player right in front of your face while she was holding the drink *you* bought her?? When your girl thinks she can get away with that, that tells me you’re doing something very wrong. My philosophy is that men should take responsibility for their relationships. If your girl isn’t treating you right, fix things or get a new girl, but it’s up to YOU to manage your shit.

I really think it would be impossible for my girl to do this to me. I have very clear lines about what I consider disrespectful and if I feel I have been disrespected, my girl finds out very quickly. I think it’s important for guys to have firm rules for how they expect to be treated and they should not be afraid to enforce them. No, I am not talking about ‘pimp slappin your bitch.’ I am talking about being willing to have a direct and firm conversation and not backing down if she argues back. If your girl won’t agree to your lines in the sand, enforce your views by downgrading how well you treat her. If the problems continue, downgrade her from girlfriend to casual sex partner (or from girlfriend to dumped).

I may be coming off like some macho ass, but that is really not my intent. I am usually a big mush ball around my girl. I am extremely affectionate with her, both physically and verbally. In fact, if some of my old wingmen could see me snuggling with her, they would probably grow queasy, shake their heads sadly, and say I will soon be a broken man, sexless and cheated on.

I beg to differ. I can spoil my girl like a princess because when she crosses a line, she gets instant negative feedback. She knows that if there were repeated infractions it would have a serious negative effect on our relationship. I will not be in a relationship that emasculates me. Period. The end result? The number of infractions has decreased to nearly zero and 99% of the time she and I are warm and affectionate with each other. She does her best to please me and I do my best to make her feel loved and cared for. It’s the happiest and most beautiful relationship I have ever been in.

It’s all about respecting yourself and demanding that same respect from your girl. When you have those things in place, you can be as soft as you want and she will never tell her friends you are “too nice.”

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Sweatpants
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No one should stand for this type of shit, women or men. If your girl or your guy pulls this on you, they’re already on their way out the door, so you may as well finish the job for them.

The only problem is, it’s a fine line between them just talking to someone in a friendly way and them straight up disrespecting you. But it’s safe to say that if they’re ignoring you and have their arm around someone else, the jig is up.

Dirk Diggler
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And after you Next her, ignore her completely. No contact, if possible.

Matt
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Matt
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Right on, it is important to let your significant other know what is acceptable and unnaceptable behavior, particularly in social settings. There is nothing overly macho about what you said, there are just certain lines that need to be established in all relationships.

however comma
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however comma
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That was not too macho at all. I think it is pretty easy to spot the couple at the bar who are together but obviously one of them (maybe both) is/are more interested in who else is around. If you are getting “eye fucked” by some chick who is obviously with her BF I personally feel it is worth a shot going for it. They are near the end, and she is bored. I think it is your duty as a man to go for it. If she is really with that guy, she will let you know within the first minute if she is interested or not. If he was a real man, she wouldn’t be doing that and so you generally have nothing to fear from this guy.

Jay Gatsby
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I agree. You should never tolerate the type of disrespect as you described. In such a situation, the boyfriend should have paid the tab, gotten up and walked out of the bar. If he was her ride, tough shit, she walks home or takes a cab. If they’re living together, she should find herself locked out (chain on the front door so her key is useless). Sleeping on a friend’s couch or in the hallway would be her only options (or with the player, but who cares at that point?).

Honestly, if the shoe were on the other foot, do you think her reaction would be any different? The high road is for suckers when it comes to disrespect. Failure to demonstrate that disrespect it has serious consequences sends the message that you’ll tolerate it, and only emboldens the offender.

Unfortunately, many men are wimps when it comes to the disrespect heaped upon them by women (and often by other men as well). Perhaps they were so brainwashed by their mothers on how to treat a “lady” (or on the rules of civility and non-confrontation), and had absentee fathers who spent more time at the office than teaching their sons how to be men. Even if their fathers were around, they probably set a bad example for their sons by kowtowing to their wives. Boys pay more attention to actions than words, and often follow in their fathers’ footsteps when it comes to dealing with women. Only a select few seem to wake up and realize that things can and must be different if they want successful, long-lived relationships.

In conclusion, you should never fall so completely in love with someone that you’re blind to disrespectful conduct. You’ll be the one who loses every time.

Dirk Diggler
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One correction. Don’t cohabitate. Then, you don’t have to worry about the chain on the door.

Jay Gatsby
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After I posted my comment, I noticed the one by “However Comma” — which I disagree with completely. Men must have respect for other men when dealing with women. An honorable “player” (if there is such a thing) would have avoided the situation altogether and found a more available target. He wouldn’t screw over another guy just for a quick roll in the sack. At the same time, he might even look for a way to teach the poor schmuck about how to deal with his girlfriend’s wandering eye, without crushing the guy’s ego and manhood. Perhaps the player could say something loud enough for the boyfriend to hear about how she’s disrespecting her man, and if the player were in her boyfriend’s shoes, he’d kick her ass to the curb so fast it would make her head spin. Naturally, she’d act indignant and probably goad her boyfriend into defending her “honor” (hah!) If the boyfriend falls for such a ploy, he’s done for and isn’t owed any more of an education on how he’s been disrespected.

In sum, men should avoid cannibalizing each other when it comes to women. Doing so only allows women to perpetuate their behavior.

Dirk Diggler
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Nope. You don’t owe the dude anything. All your way will accomplish is starting a fight. Somebody gets hurt, cops, etc. she isn’t worth it.

Anonne
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I’m a little torn. I’m a firm believer in “single until married” because if someone is going to be with you, they are going to act like it. It’s hard to tell, however, from this vignette where the breakdown in the relationship really is. I mean, we don’t know how tight princess and her boyfriend were supposed to be – what if they aren’t exclusive? What if they are just FBs? Still, it is disrespectful and I agree with Jay Gatsby that the guy should have paid the tab and left. No clearer signal to her than that!

But your bottom line is right, Chaco. Neither of you should be in a relationship where the other feels demeaned.

Dirk Diggler
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Even if things are open, that is nothing but disrespect.

Flame ON
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Man this blog is slowly heading towards the earth like a blimp on fire. Whats up with all the dating/girlfriend advice bullshit????? I come to this blog to see pics of hot chicks getting smashed or hear stories about some dude dressed as Jesus walking around Dupont Circle with a blow up doll. I do not read this B.S. for knowledge on how to improve my relationship with my primary bitch. Lets stay the course and stick to what made this blog enjoyable at the bottom end of my cubicle……

Sincerely,

The people who thought changing coke’s formula to new coke and letting Katie Couric be the head newsperson for the evening news………..

Daily Misogynist
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Just another lesson on why you can’t trust women, you can only trust women to be women. And being a woman means you have no sense of loyalty or honor.

mhm
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mhm
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Dear Chaco,
Your life is now officially boring like most married men’s lives. Please spare us. This blog was on a roll the last few days and now we have to be subjected to your girlfriend/wife approved posts.

Anonymous
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Anonymous
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Chaco – you are such a fagget, stop these gay posts!

Chaco
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What I find interesting is not a single woman commented. I support the idea of treating your girl well as long as you maintain self-respect and no response from the laides? I guess the readership of this blog must thrive on confrontation.

not_settled
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Oh please, guys.
He *did* make some very good points.
Try not to be so narrow-minded.

Great post, Chaco.
And yeah, the lack of response from the women that generally leave comments here is pretty strange.

Anonne
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I am female, and I did comment. And I like your posts, Chaco. Keep it up.

EURO_AGIRL
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Well put!

J@Y
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This is why I come to read this blog. It’s intelligent, insightful and realistic, all of which rare these days.

Joe T.
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Far too many men in the DC area are asswipes who are totally dominated by their girlfriends, for fear that the girlfriend will easily dump them and find someone better. I’ve said it before and I’ll repeat it, in the DC area, it’s the guys, not the girls, who are primarily scared of their own shadows and anxiety-ridden about relationships.

The great, unspoken truth about DC, which women will never admit and men are afraid to, is that the power balance in dating and relationships is greatly skewed towards women. While it’s very easy to blame DC-area slutty women who far too easily will just hop into bed with any guy who makes them wet, regardless of whether they’re in a “relationship” or not, DC-area men are largely to blame, for letting things slide down the slippery slope to get to this point.

hedonistic
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OK, a little estrogen, per Chaco’s request. I say good post, and that respect works both ways: I used to HATE when a certain ex-boyfriend would leave me alone at a bar to go and kibbitz with his buddies. I figured, if another man came up to talk to me it was his own damn fault.

Joe T, it wasn’t that many posts ago that I was reading comments about the how the DC dating scene consisted of supposedly “desperate” women who outnumbered the eligible DC area bachelors. Now the dating power balance is supposedly skewed in favor of the women, to the point that now there’s this smorgasbord of male flesh we can be all “slutty” with? What happened, a mass female exodus or a major influx of hot guys? Dayum! I’m so confused.

Dirk
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Some player did that in front of me with my girl and disrespected me would get my fist in his teeth. See how ready he’d be to run game then with a toothless grin.

Roissy
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the supposed shortage of DC males constantly trumpeted by the local press fails to make the distinction that a big reason for a lot of that skew happens to do with the fact that a sizeable percentage of eligible bachelors from certain quarters are in jail or dead. and the kinds of yuppies who write articles about the abundance of DC women i’m gonna venture to guess don’t spend much time socializing in those no-go zones where the tilted ratio is so pronounced.

if you believe your own lying eyes the observation won’t escape you that in the social arenas of NW DC on a typical night the sausage outnumbers the pussy.

hedonistic
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And to the Chaco-haters upthread: If you’re gonna take advice on how to score with women, it might as be from a guy who’s getting laid on a regular basis wink

madmax
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conversation my ass….

I would first tell the dude: ‘hey, what are you doing, asshole? If you want to hit on my bitch, do it, but not right in front of me, who the fuck are you taking me for? a shmuck you can walk all over and humiliate? Well….think again.’

as for her, I would say ‘I don’t understand what you are doing and I don’t give a fuck, but if you are with me you can’t be everybody’s slut, only my slut. If you want to get fucked by some other guys, do it, I don’t give a shit. But it’s me or someone else, not both. Got it? ‘