Before I share with you my blockbuster burger recipe, I must state that I don’t eat a lot of red meat (about one pound a month). It’s not that I have any objections to eating cow, but I think the way it’s produced today is disgusting. Still I can’t resist a good burger, which I have perfected and will now share with you. Feel free to make this for your Independence Day barbecue.
1: Get a third-pound hunk of ground beef and add the following spices: salt, pepper, and cumin, in a three, two, and one ratio, respectively. This means three parts salt for two parts pepper for one part cumin. In case you’re wondering, the cumin gives it a nice earthy flavor. Go a bit heavy on the salt—no point trying to be healthy when you’re eating the shredded scraps off the slaughterhouse floor.
2: Put the patty in a pan and circle it with sizable chunks of pineapple. Cover the pan and fry on medium-high heat. The grease will leak out of the patty and soak the pineapple in meaty goodness. Once that grease is almost evaporated, turn everything over. Slap on a slice of cheese and cook for about three or four minutes more, still covered. This should get you to at least medium-well. If you want it well-done then wait a couple minutes after turning it over before adding the cheese.
3: Toast thin bread. You want to taste the burger and toppings, not grain. Use cheap white bread, it doesn’t matter. Plop your meat on a slice of bread and top with cheese, tomato slices, pineapple (which will be just slightly charred—oh god, so good), avocado slices, honey mustard, ketchup, and lettuce. The ensuring burger will be a colossal mess, but pure heaven.
The secret to the burger is the cumin, avocado, and pineapple. Enjoy.