The 3 Best Movies In The History Of The World

Number 1: Gladiator

gladiator_10.jpgFavorite quote: “My name is Gladiator.”

This is the best movie ever made. Whenever a girl asks me what my favorite movie is and I tell her Gladiator, she rolls her eyes and tells me my stock has decreased, perhaps hoping that I would be “above” such a film and instead mention some indie flick that changed the world. As intelligent and cultured as I am, Gladiator contains everything a real man could possibly want in a movie: brutal violence, sword-play, strength, honor, offscreen rape, incest. I identified so much with the hero Maximus due to our similar life arcs that I cried when he died at the end, and I’m proud to admit that.

Number 2: The Fifth Element

fifth_element_04.jpgFavorite quote: “Ecto gammat!” (Never again without my permission)

This is one of those movies that you find more and more brilliant each time you watch, sort of like Big Trouble In Little China. There is just so much going on: mongoloids, supreme being, Deebo as the President, robot bartender, Chris Tucker, Zorg, Aziz’s light, and so on. The only reason this is not the best movie ever made is because I did not cry. My entire sense of humor can be contributed to this film, and it’s not even a comedy.

Gimme the casssshhhh…

Number 3: Heat

heat_l.jpgFavorite quote (more like important life lesson): “You want to be making moves on the street? Have no attachments. Allow nothing to be in your life that you cannot walk out on in thirty seconds flat if you spot the heat around the corner.”

There is an underrated movie that doesn’t get a lot of buzz. People go in thinking it’s going to be this huge action movie and are disappointed when it turns out to be a three hour character movie centered around Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro. It’s the last good movie that Robert DeNiro starred in before he started appearing in dreck like The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle, Analyze That, and Meet The Fockers. I find the bank robber story to be just a device to let the actors work their magic. Like me, I think that you will reevaluate your life after watching.

Notable runners-up: Fight Club, True Lies, Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, Coming To America, Dawn Of The Dead (remake), and Coneheads

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cuchulainn
cuchulainn
12 years ago

Yeah Gladiator! I like the way he doesn’t fundamentally care about his own life. The best line in the movie is at the beginning in my opinion, when he adresses his fellow horsemen in the woods, ‘And if you suddenly find yourself running through a warm field with the sun on your back, do not be afraid, for you are in Elysium, and are already dead!’ That’s what being a man is all about.

Shoeless Joe
Shoeless Joe
12 years ago

Loved how you gave a runner-up to Coming to America – a movie that definitely doesn’t get the props it deserves. One of the best comedies ever made.

Vincent
Vincent
12 years ago

Fight Club and Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind are among my Top 10 movies.

Arjewtino
12 years ago

Nothing elicits more vitriol than telling people your favorite anything — movies, TV shows, music, books, etc. It’s like you have personally offended someone by preferring a certain thing over another.

That said…Coneheads?

Arjewtino’s last blog post: Real futbol players prefer the Takoma Park dirt lot.

Generate
Generate
12 years ago

5th element kinda sucks…. spot on with the other two…..

Anonymous
Anonymous
12 years ago

Eternal Sunshine = My favorite movie.

KassyK
12 years ago

Oops…above was me.

Eternal Sunshine = my favorite movie

The Lives of Others is another. And Requiem for a Dream of course.

cuchulainn
cuchulainn
12 years ago

Eternal sunshine… so white

Anonymous
Anonymous
12 years ago

cuchulainn–true true. its still a brilliant movie though.

gladiator seems to be every white male’s favorite movie.

cuchulainn
cuchulainn
12 years ago

i don’t know why everyone loves eternal sunshine so much, maybe the ‘philosophical’ aspects or something. But the main character is such an annoying little weed, and he becomes even more weak and self-obsessed as the movie progresses. He’s barely a man. I prefer Vanilla Sky, a similar quirkyness, but the lead character is energetic and interesting.

(udolpho takes apart the quirky for the sake of quirky genre here: http://www.udolpho.com/weblog/?id=01220&title=Juno)

Minority Report – brilliant. Two alpha leads battling away, awesome plot, and (Finally!) an intelligent portrayal of the future where people still wear normal clothes.

Other greats: Master and Commander, Goldeneye, Almost Famous.

Dickie Phillips
Dickie Phillips
12 years ago

The Matrix needs to be in this. That movie blew my mind.

Definitely agree with you on Heat, I think Michael Mann has lost his touch recently, as in the nineties he had Heat and Collateral, both great films. Now he makes Miami Vice and The Kingdom, which instead of being 2 hour epics, are 2 hour bores.

KassyK
12 years ago

cuchulain–I agree on Vanilla Sky (saw it 3x in the theater and DAMN did people make fun of me) and Minority Report.

BUT, the Spanish original of Vanilla Sky is much better…Open Your Eyes. Its a bit more realistic and complex.

DF
DF
12 years ago

What, no honorable mention for Braveheart?

There’s a slew of great guy movies to choose from so its hard to say your selection is the best in the history of the world. “Seven Samurai”, “Sword of Doom (Dai-bosatsu Toge)”, “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly”, “Snatch”, “Night of the Living Dead” (1968), “The Thing” (1982), “Training Day”. Shit, I can go on and on. There’s just too many to choose from but I do have to agree that Gladiator is one of the greatest ever made.

DF
DF
12 years ago

chuchulain, Master and Commander. Add that to the list of great ones. A fantastic study on leadership.

Of course, I forgot Bladerunner the latest final cut re-released last year is perfect.

Like I said, there’s just too many.

Jo
Jo
12 years ago

You know what, I’ll stand up and defend this one. I LOVE The Fifth Element as well but I can never explain why, just a guilty pleasure.

miik
miik
12 years ago

LeeLoooooooooooooooo !

cuchulainn
cuchulainn
12 years ago

Vanilla Sky is an underrated movie. It’s very deep. And of course the main character is relevant to PUA’s – a 100% player, disfigured by a f**k buddy who at heart wanted more. The ending is astonishing http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01Ax3WBA7L0
Kassy – ive seen the spanish version, but still prefer Cameron Crowe’s attempt, the Cruise-Cruz chemistry is perfect.

LHG
LHG
12 years ago

I agree “Abre Los Ojos” is better than Vanilla Sky.
My FAV movie: “American Psycho.” (After putting the ax to Jared Leto’s skull: “try getting a fucking reservation at Dorsia now, you fucking bastard”)

MESSY
MESSY
12 years ago

Vanilla Sky? How can any movie with Tom Cruise be considered a classic? Geez.

Anyway:

The Machinist
Reservoir Dogs
Memento
Shawshenk Redemption
The Exorcist

“Get busy livin’… or get busy dyin’.”

PS: Roosh… love the blog but not the makeover. Having the Photoshop filter character of yourself in the banner is amateur-night.

spaceman
spaceman
12 years ago

interesting list, makes me realize i need to watch 5th element properly. never gave it much of a chance.

INPY
INPY
12 years ago

Not a fan of Gladiator at all…but the 5th Element is a fine, fine call. Favorite quote; “Anyone else wanna negotiate?”

Some of my favs; Magnolia, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Patton, and quite literally anything by Kubrick.

And OK, I friggin’ loved the Ladies Man.

inSOMnia
inSOMnia
12 years ago

Your are dead on with gladiator. You are missing Scarface

dchero
12 years ago

Heat is the SHIT

dchero’s last blog post: Help Me Hero: Lost in RPM.

mike says
mike says
12 years ago

if you like Gladiator, netflix Rome. Vorenus > Maximus.

DF
DF
12 years ago

Things white people like: Shawshank Redemption

God I hated that movie