The 3 Best Movies In The History Of The World

Number 1: Gladiator

gladiator_10.jpgFavorite quote: “My name is Gladiator.”

This is the best movie ever made. Whenever a girl asks me what my favorite movie is and I tell her Gladiator, she rolls her eyes and tells me my stock has decreased, perhaps hoping that I would be “above” such a film and instead mention some indie flick that changed the world. As intelligent and cultured as I am, Gladiator contains everything a real man could possibly want in a movie: brutal violence, sword-play, strength, honor, offscreen rape, incest. I identified so much with the hero Maximus due to our similar life arcs that I cried when he died at the end, and I’m proud to admit that.

Number 2: The Fifth Element

fifth_element_04.jpgFavorite quote: “Ecto gammat!” (Never again without my permission)

This is one of those movies that you find more and more brilliant each time you watch, sort of like Big Trouble In Little China. There is just so much going on: mongoloids, supreme being, Deebo as the President, robot bartender, Chris Tucker, Zorg, Aziz’s light, and so on. The only reason this is not the best movie ever made is because I did not cry. My entire sense of humor can be contributed to this film, and it’s not even a comedy.

Gimme the casssshhhh…

Number 3: Heat

heat_l.jpgFavorite quote (more like important life lesson): “You want to be making moves on the street? Have no attachments. Allow nothing to be in your life that you cannot walk out on in thirty seconds flat if you spot the heat around the corner.”

There is an underrated movie that doesn’t get a lot of buzz. People go in thinking it’s going to be this huge action movie and are disappointed when it turns out to be a three hour character movie centered around Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro. It’s the last good movie that Robert DeNiro starred in before he started appearing in dreck like The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle, Analyze That, and Meet The Fockers. I find the bank robber story to be just a device to let the actors work their magic. Like me, I think that you will reevaluate your life after watching.

Notable runners-up: Fight Club, True Lies, Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, Coming To America, Dawn Of The Dead (remake), and Coneheads

41 Comments

  1. cuchulainn March 10, 2008 at 10:05 am

    Yeah Gladiator! I like the way he doesn’t fundamentally care about his own life. The best line in the movie is at the beginning in my opinion, when he adresses his fellow horsemen in the woods, ‘And if you suddenly find yourself running through a warm field with the sun on your back, do not be afraid, for you are in Elysium, and are already dead!’ That’s what being a man is all about.

  2. Shoeless Joe March 10, 2008 at 10:16 am

    Loved how you gave a runner-up to Coming to America – a movie that definitely doesn’t get the props it deserves. One of the best comedies ever made.

  3. Vincent March 10, 2008 at 10:39 am

    Fight Club and Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind are among my Top 10 movies.

  4. Arjewtino March 10, 2008 at 11:03 am

    Nothing elicits more vitriol than telling people your favorite anything — movies, TV shows, music, books, etc. It’s like you have personally offended someone by preferring a certain thing over another.

    That said…Coneheads?

    Arjewtino’s last blog post: Real futbol players prefer the Takoma Park dirt lot.

  5. Generate March 10, 2008 at 11:06 am

    5th element kinda sucks…. spot on with the other two…..

  6. Anonymous March 10, 2008 at 11:26 am

    Eternal Sunshine = My favorite movie.

  7. KassyK March 10, 2008 at 11:27 am

    Oops…above was me.

    Eternal Sunshine = my favorite movie

    The Lives of Others is another. And Requiem for a Dream of course.

  8. cuchulainn March 10, 2008 at 11:35 am

    Eternal sunshine… so white

  9. Anonymous March 10, 2008 at 12:00 pm

    cuchulainn–true true. its still a brilliant movie though.

    gladiator seems to be every white male’s favorite movie.

  10. cuchulainn March 10, 2008 at 12:17 pm

    i don’t know why everyone loves eternal sunshine so much, maybe the ‘philosophical’ aspects or something. But the main character is such an annoying little weed, and he becomes even more weak and self-obsessed as the movie progresses. He’s barely a man. I prefer Vanilla Sky, a similar quirkyness, but the lead character is energetic and interesting.

    (udolpho takes apart the quirky for the sake of quirky genre here: http://www.udolpho.com/weblog/?id=01220&title=Juno)

    Minority Report – brilliant. Two alpha leads battling away, awesome plot, and (Finally!) an intelligent portrayal of the future where people still wear normal clothes.

    Other greats: Master and Commander, Goldeneye, Almost Famous.

  11. Dickie Phillips March 10, 2008 at 12:25 pm

    The Matrix needs to be in this. That movie blew my mind.

    Definitely agree with you on Heat, I think Michael Mann has lost his touch recently, as in the nineties he had Heat and Collateral, both great films. Now he makes Miami Vice and The Kingdom, which instead of being 2 hour epics, are 2 hour bores.

  12. KassyK March 10, 2008 at 12:28 pm

    cuchulain–I agree on Vanilla Sky (saw it 3x in the theater and DAMN did people make fun of me) and Minority Report.

    BUT, the Spanish original of Vanilla Sky is much better…Open Your Eyes. Its a bit more realistic and complex.

  13. DF March 10, 2008 at 12:29 pm

    What, no honorable mention for Braveheart?

    There’s a slew of great guy movies to choose from so its hard to say your selection is the best in the history of the world. “Seven Samurai”, “Sword of Doom (Dai-bosatsu Toge)”, “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly”, “Snatch”, “Night of the Living Dead” (1968), “The Thing” (1982), “Training Day”. Shit, I can go on and on. There’s just too many to choose from but I do have to agree that Gladiator is one of the greatest ever made.

  14. DF March 10, 2008 at 12:33 pm

    chuchulain, Master and Commander. Add that to the list of great ones. A fantastic study on leadership.

    Of course, I forgot Bladerunner the latest final cut re-released last year is perfect.

    Like I said, there’s just too many.

  15. Jo March 10, 2008 at 12:37 pm

    You know what, I’ll stand up and defend this one. I LOVE The Fifth Element as well but I can never explain why, just a guilty pleasure.

  16. miik March 10, 2008 at 12:38 pm

    LeeLoooooooooooooooo !

  17. cuchulainn March 10, 2008 at 1:20 pm

    Vanilla Sky is an underrated movie. It’s very deep. And of course the main character is relevant to PUA’s – a 100% player, disfigured by a f**k buddy who at heart wanted more. The ending is astonishing http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01Ax3WBA7L0
    Kassy – ive seen the spanish version, but still prefer Cameron Crowe’s attempt, the Cruise-Cruz chemistry is perfect.

  18. LHG March 10, 2008 at 2:14 pm

    I agree “Abre Los Ojos” is better than Vanilla Sky.
    My FAV movie: “American Psycho.” (After putting the ax to Jared Leto’s skull: “try getting a fucking reservation at Dorsia now, you fucking bastard”)

  19. MESSY March 10, 2008 at 2:16 pm

    Vanilla Sky? How can any movie with Tom Cruise be considered a classic? Geez.

    Anyway:

    The Machinist
    Reservoir Dogs
    Memento
    Shawshenk Redemption
    The Exorcist

    “Get busy livin’… or get busy dyin’.”

    PS: Roosh… love the blog but not the makeover. Having the Photoshop filter character of yourself in the banner is amateur-night.

  20. spaceman March 10, 2008 at 2:17 pm

    interesting list, makes me realize i need to watch 5th element properly. never gave it much of a chance.

  21. INPY March 10, 2008 at 2:36 pm

    Not a fan of Gladiator at all…but the 5th Element is a fine, fine call. Favorite quote; “Anyone else wanna negotiate?”

    Some of my favs; Magnolia, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Patton, and quite literally anything by Kubrick.

    And OK, I friggin’ loved the Ladies Man.

  22. inSOMnia March 10, 2008 at 3:13 pm

    Your are dead on with gladiator. You are missing Scarface

  23. mike says March 10, 2008 at 4:03 pm

    if you like Gladiator, netflix Rome. Vorenus > Maximus.

  24. DF March 10, 2008 at 4:15 pm

    Things white people like: Shawshank Redemption

    God I hated that movie

  25. miik March 10, 2008 at 4:36 pm

    You might like “The Train” with Burt Lancaster. It has a certain maturity that is refreshing. (wartime France)(Black and White)(a French woman)

  26. mr. hanky March 10, 2008 at 4:43 pm

    whatever happened to City of God? or bourne ultimatum?

    however the most inspirational movie has to be Peaceful warrior. its an indie flick with nick nolte and didnt get much attention but you find enough good quotes to fill a book

  27. Bobby Rio March 10, 2008 at 5:06 pm

    Pulp Fiction, True Romance, Sideways, Braveheart, Big Lebowski… come to mind when i think of favorites.. gladiator is great.. the other two you chose were alright in my opinion.

    Bobby Rio’s last blog post: 10 Ways a Girl Can Keep a Guy Like Me.

  28. Lou P. March 10, 2008 at 5:37 pm

    I’m with you on Heat — that is a fantastic film. Ditto on Eternal Sunshine…

  29. Cynically Yours March 10, 2008 at 7:02 pm

    What, no Roger Dodger?

  30. Anonymous March 10, 2008 at 7:30 pm

    you’re an idiot. gladiator? seriously? if that’s your life, go fight a tiger with a sword – in fact, i’ll get the tiger.

  31. Nomadz March 10, 2008 at 8:03 pm

    Similar life arcs with Maximus ? You mean, when your whole family got chain raped by drunken soldiers then crucified next to your burnt house ? Must have been hard on you.

    More seriously, as someone said here, check “Rome”. Wonderful series. It has almost everythings Gladiator has to offer, PLUS historical accuracy and a very acute sense of roman politics. And the characters feel like real-life, flesh and bones people, not liked movie-stars dressed in a roman fashion cosplay.

  32. JC March 10, 2008 at 8:26 pm

    I’m going to go all “Old School” and say my fav film of all time is , The Good the Bad and the Ugly. It had a great sotoryline , great characters and great lines.

    Tuco (The Ugly) …

    There are two kinds of people in the world, my friend. Those who have a rope around their neck and those who have the job of doing the cutting.

    If you save your breath I feel a man like you can manage it. And if you don’t manage it, you’ll die. Only slowly, very slowly, old friend.

    You never had a rope around your neck. Well, I’m going to tell you something. When that rope starts to pull tight, you can feel the Devil bite your ass.

    I like big fat men like you. When they fall they make more noise.

    One Armed Man: I’ve been looking for you for 8 months. Whenever I should have had a gun in my right hand, I thought of you. Now I find you in exactly the position that suits me. I had lots of time to learn to shoot with my left.
    [Tuco kills him with a hidden gun]
    Tuco: When you have to shoot, shoot, don’t talk.

  33. Jewcano March 10, 2008 at 9:13 pm

    Heat is “an underrated movie that doesn’t get a lot of buzz”?

    Your choice for a Manflick is way too new; stuff these days has to appeal to women since men pretty much don’t go to movies outside of a date. Gladiator? Even 300 had to be sissied up with some palace intrigue. The first Man movie to come to mind for me (and, apparently, others) is The Good the Bad and the Ugly, which is the perfect example of the genre because it contains almost no talky-talk bullshit. If you must go with a sappy Russell Crowe flick, go LA Confidential; less beefcake, more pimp hand.

    5th Element is a guy movie because it was written by a 15 year old. Having lived with a bunch of stoners, I’ve seen it about 300 times, and it wears thin after a while. Also, in the end not as good a scifi comedy as Ghostbusters.

    By your criteria you really need Mad Max: brutal violence, hacksaw-play, strength, honor, onscreen rape, and the last of the V8 Interceptors.

    Then again, I tend to go more for the giant robot flicks, so I may be a bad judge.

    Jewcano’s last blog post: God, I Love This Country.

  34. Nomadz March 10, 2008 at 10:25 pm

    For rape scenes, has anybody seen Sam Peckinpah’s Straw Dogs ? That is the worst rape scene ever for me. Not the arounsing kind. Not the gory kind either : you don’t see a lot (nothing similar to Irreversible), but the moral violence the whole scene perspires is plain evil.

  35. roissy March 10, 2008 at 10:36 pm

    everyone talks about those movies that get better with each viewing, but what about the movies that get worse? i’m thinking of ‘american beauty’ in particular.

    my favorites:
    second roger dodger above.
    brainstorm
    secretary
    glengarry glen ross
    the elephant man (i am not an an-i-mal! shit that was the first movie that rattled my steely composure)
    henry fool (obligatory indie pick)
    rushmore
    gladiator is one of those movies that gets better with repeated viewings
    cinderella man (this is one of the few guy movies that you can watch with a girl and both enjoy it)
    crash (the cronenberg movie)
    9 1/2 weeks

    roissy’s last blog post: Eliot Spitzer Busted In Prostitution Ring.

  36. KassyK March 10, 2008 at 11:33 pm

    I agree with Roissy here…Cinderella Man is amazing and TRULY underrated and its a guy movie that girls can love.

    And I agree with Jewcano–Another Russell Crowe with more “meat” than Gladiator is defintely L.A. Confidential.

  37. Dan October 23, 2009 at 11:09 am

    Heat is awesome. I also think Collateral comes close to Heat. You should take a look at Tyson – it’s fascinating how he transformed his fear into confidence.

  38. Parsa September 11, 2015 at 7:04 pm

    No Scarface or The Godfather????!!! Im disappointed!