Written by Virgle Kent.
Hey are you a single lonely woman in Washington DC and between the ages of 29 and 70? Are you successful in your career but have a pathetic dating resume of seeming to attract twatwaffles and all-around jerks? Are your dating exploits so funny and whimsical that they always entertain your friends? Have you seen every episode of Sex and the City and relate to at least one of the characters if not all of them? Do you own a pet that was probably the last living thing to see you naked and or orgasm? Did you ever own a diary as a prepubescent little girl? Then wipe the peanut butter of your left nipple and labials and stop feeding your pets because I have just the thing for you! You should totally start a DC Dating Blog! NO seriously a new DC dating blog is what’s going to be fetch in 07!
But how do you go about starting and writing a typical cliche DC date blog or TCDCDB? Easy! Catch up on every episode of Sex in the City because this will be your cliche Bible. Now set up a blogger account. Ok now the real fun starts. First link to all the “cool” DC blogs, Wonkette, DCB, Kathrynon, DC Cookie, KassyK, RCR, and anyone else that has more than 20 readers. Second go through a flashback faze to catch all your new readers up and let them know a little about you. Introduce important characters and people in your life. In the flashback phase also talk about horrible dates you’ve been on and bad relationships you’ve been in. This of course is what will make you a TCDCDB expert on men, because you’ve dated so many bad ones that you can give advice on the good ones. But you should also have a Mr. X to reference — a long term relationship or two with a guy from the past that you were in love with but it didn’t work out, hence the reason you’re on your hopeless dating cycle. The third stage is the most important phase: “comment whore.” That’s right, you heard me, you’ve got to comment whore like nobodies business. Get yourself out there! I’m talking no less than two comments on a blog and you must hit EVERY blog on the DC blog’s blog roll. Who cares what you say. In this stage you DO NOT DARE disagree with any blogger or you’ll get stomped out like Michael Richards at an NAACP meeting. Most importantly though comment whore on other TCDCDB sites. Ok now you’ve got people’s attention.
Here’s where the real cliches come in. Start going out on dates and blogging about them. Juggle three or four at a time then when none of them works out blog about it. Most of us and Steve Wonder could see it wasn’t going to work out from the start but you had to go through it so you can get to your Carrie Bradshaw routine post. It’s the part where you show us you’re just a typical girl trying to find love in the big city of DC and how hard it is for you. The part where at the end of your post you ask redundant questions that none of us have ever heard before on date blogs. “What’s wrong with men, when does hanging out as friends become a date, why aren’t more guys chivalrous, what signs should you look for if he’s really into you”. Basically any dating question you can find in the advice column of Seventeen Magazine. But you’ve got to also be able to connect with your audience and pull them in. When you don’t hear back from a guy or you feel sorry for yourself and need advice on anything, ask your readers because they’ll know for sure. You gave a guy a blowjob on the second date and he didn’t call you back? Well you’d be surprised how many of your readers and fellow TCDCDBers have given blowjobs on the second date and not gotten a call back. You’re almost in the club just a little longer.
Pretty soon from all your comment whoring TCDCDBers will pay attention to you and start to sense you’re one of their own, and one of them will invite you out to a Blog Happy Hour. Of course you’ve been blogging “anonymously” so no one knows what you look like. The TCDCDB group will be happy once they realize you look like a cross between Roseanne Bar, Andy Dick, and Smeagol. How is that any guy would not want to date you my precious? You’re not in yet but you’ve moved up to the next level known as the depression sewing circle sisterhood (DSCS).
The way DSCS works is one TCDCBer writes some self-deprecating post because she just got played by some guy so other members and regular people who comment throw her a pity party. Since it is a cliche blog they all give cliche advice like, “cheer up girl he wasn’t good enough for you, the sun will come out tomorrow, you’ll find love when you least expect it. No man is worth you tears and the one that is wont make you cry. Ok, I think I got that last one of a fortune cookie and by the way your lucky numbers are 2, 18, 7, 45, 11, 69. So after all these comments of vast wisdom TWO DAYS LATER another girl in the DSCS will write a similar post (changing up the guy of course) with the same results and it’ll be her turn to have a pity party and leave the EXACT same comments on her blog that we just left on the first TCDCDBers blog two days ago. Once this “Folie a` deux” has spread through the whole circle next month we’ll move onto a different dating problem and repeat the whole cycle again.
Soon people will lose interest and expect you to go deeper as a writer. Fuck them this is your blog! You’re writing for you (not a cliche) so in response to this you fall back on the old TCDCB crutch, the “Too Much Information Post” (TMI). This is the post where you start talking about how much you love sex. You’ll post about your addiction to sex toys and every time you “slut out” it will be posted about with really no point to the story except to point out the fact you had sex. Hold up, you have a pulse and a libido, great welcome to the human race! You’re kind of like Samantha from Sex in The City except half her age but twice as fat. It wouldn’t be that bad if something funny happen. Like the other week when Pretty Ricky was hooking up with this chick and her cat came up and clawed his balls, so he kicked the cat off the bed but the girl freaked out on him and accused him of “attacking” her cat so she kicked him out of her house. It was the first time ever he left a girl with not only blue but also red balls. See how easy that was?
Once your audience gets tired of your sex story you’ll move on to some other awkward story that no one really wanted to know about. Like that one time you got raped by nine Mexicans behind 7/11 and contracted EHV-1 (Equine Herpes). Or how during your senior year in high school you had to have five abortions. Basically something you should only share with your psychiatrist, priest, or family. Congratulations you’ve sold your soul to have a popular TCDCDB blog! You’ve made it now kiss the ring and take the third seat on the right?
Sometimes I feel like TCDCDBers are capable of being in normal lasting relationships but choose not to be. I mean if they put in half as much energy into the actual relationships as they did into blogging about the relationship they might have better luck. But then what would happen if they actually got into a happy relationship is no one would have a reason to read their blog. I mean their whole blog identity has been built on the pursuit of failed relationships and once one works what will they have to write about? NO ONE wants to read a relationship blog where someone posts about how happy they are 24/7.
Ever since Kathrynon and CircleV went down it’s as if the female DC blog scene is experiencing a dark age in creativity, spontaneity, and pure humor. I swear if it wasn’t for the intellectual stimulation mixed with incredible cynicism of Brunch Bird or the layered poetic movements of Speak Easy a.k.a. The Blog Prodigy, I would have blown my brains out all over my year end financial reports from boredom. I know there are PLENTY of talented female bloggers out there but I swear to god if I read one more post about the DC ban on smoking or how fucking awesome 2007 is going to be I will lose my shit.
Before you hit Post stop and ask yourself the following questions.
1. Have I seen this talked about on Sex in the City?
2. Did something like this happen to another female blogger on her date blog?
3. I’m I blogging about this because I’m upset or angry at the moment?
4. In the grand scheme of things will anyone care?
5. If I died alone in my apartment how long would it take for someone to find my body?
6. Would I want to read this and would I find it the least entertaining?
7. If I were going to blog about sex, would anyone REALLY want to see or think about me naked?
You can read VK’s other guest appearances here and here. I have a feeling he will return soon, but that’s just my gut talking. I do not have any real information that would warrant such a statement.