The Golden Goose Is Dead

For the past two months I have been stealing wireless internet from my friendly neighbor. Along with my roommate, I have downloaded terabytes of illegal music, video, software and the dirtiest of porn, including ass-to-mouth and midget double anal. We have voluntarily throttled our download speeds so we don’t raise alarm or fry their router. But recently the free wifi has been silenced. Now all we get is some weak-ass one bar network that only works in the dining room.

I am writing this from Panera. They offer free internet (hot tea is $1.25 and refills are free), but no open ports for illegal downloading. What am I going to do once I get desensitized to the porn I already have? They close at 9PM which means when I go home I am forced to be productive instead of reading message boards until 3AM.

Next to me is a group of seven young men, led by a man my age. By his tonality and speech, I guessed he was with Amway trying to sell these guys into some sort of multi-level marketing scam. He was going on with simple anecdotes and wordy explanations to motivate and inspire. Just like with cold readers (“psychics”), the more vague you are, like this guy was, the higher chance you will hit everyone in the group. Specifics only exclude. Turns out it’s a bible study group.

I observed the participants of this group, aged 18-23, and determined they were all beta males. The most beta of the beta, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they were all virgins. They deferred to this group leader like he was their mentor, even though to me he came across as an amateur salesman.

He repeatedly said to these young men, “God has a special plan for each and every one of you.” Apparently his plan is for them to meet in a franchise bakery every week and follow orders from someone who puts stickers on a Mac laptop. If God really did have a plan for these young men, why does it matter if they went to the study group or not since the plan is already set and unchangeable? Wouldn’t meeting in bible study groups and church disrupt the plan that God has? Instead of fulfilling their destiny, these young men are mentally masturbating about how a plan exists. It’s kind of like motivational seminars: instead of bucking up and doing what you know you must do, you are spending thousands of dollars and a lot of time to discuss why it’s important you do it.

The real reason for this bible study group is to help commit these beta males to eventually contributing significant portions of their income to religious leaders who may or may not practice what they preach. I think they’d be better off telling their human religious leaders to fuck off and donate the 10% tithe directly to charities instead.

Still, Panera is better than the public library. The tables there are sticky and everyone is all up in MySpace. In the meantime I’m praying for the return of the golden goose. If God does exist, I know his plan is to provide me with fresh, DVD quality porn. When I switch to full screen mode, I don’t want to see degradation in quality.

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Sweatpants
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Hmm, I’ve never thought about alpha and beta WRT religion. Maybe those “Real Men Love Jesus” bumper stickers are just overcompensation after all.

The Dude
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The Dude
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This was an awesome post.

Jay Gatsby
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Nothing like an open wi-fi network. Then again, Verizon DSL is pretty cheap, but I wouldn’t want to be downloading anything illegal through it. You’re better off sticking with the laptop and hanging out at Panera. Save your great posts and upload them while you’re downloading porn (although Panera blocks a good chunk of porn sites).

Genevieve
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Haha, glad I’m not the only one pilfering from my neighbour’s wifi. Sometimes I get full signal, it’s pretty rad. Luckily I don’t download porn so I don’t have to worry about that. Pictures suffice for me.

I also love your description of the bible group. Growing up in church I can fully relate to all that. Ridiculous, I say. You’re right; their money would be far better off in a charity.

eugenius
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eugenius
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hahaha……i love this post….cause its so true…what if we do porn swap?

mhm
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mhm
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God is all powerfull and all knowing. But he has this little money problem and he needs your help.

Phil
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Phil
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Nice in theory but churches actually require money to operate – come to think of it God works closely with the Playaz’ Business Model – something we fully endorse.

I heard that Hades runs on 56K/AOL dial-up.

Anonymous
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Porn swapping is kinda icky. Rationally speaking there should be nothing wrong with it, but eh …

Jay Gatsby
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The advantage to swapping digital porn is that the images don’t stick together….

Matt
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Matt
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Don’t let the happenings of the religious world bother you. Everyone needs a way to cope with the realization that we are insignificant particles of cosmic dust; some choose the easier way, which is only natural.

blibblab
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Why don’t you just lay out some coin and get a dedicated internet connection? We’re not talking big bucks here… unless, you know, $20 a month for Verizon is a budget buster for you [if it is, then you’ve got other problems]. Shame you don’t incur income from this site – might be able to write it off as a business expense.

As for those bible-beater groups, yeah they’re not just weak-links – they’re frightening. I don’t mind the religious, but some of these people go totally brainwashed for nothing. I had a roommate in college for a semester who literally did nothing but study the bible because he ran into one of those type groups. There’s a funny sign (and true, if you’re of the Christian belief) outside of the church by the Virginia Square Metro – Jesus died to take away your sins, not your mind.

Phil
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Stupid-ass people wanting to better themselves….

Roissy
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it’s easy in this post-enlightenment global village to scoff at the plebes, but the religious impulse didn’t evolve in a vacuum or a red state hunter-gatherer tribe. there wasn’t one premodern society that didn’t believe in some magic nose goblin of one sort or another. the wiring is in us all; some more than others. there are very few true atheists who pledge their loyalties to nothing at all but fucking and more fucking. among the intelligentsia who fancy themselves above it all their religious impulse is simply channeled to a political cause or ideology. in fact, it’s not hard to imagine that the scorched earth rage of the godless left is a manifestation of the innate religious function gone haywire with the loss of its traditional pathway of expression.

instead of asking “why do people believe in silly things?” we should be asking “to what purpose did humanity evolve such an irrational mental module?”

b
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b
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You’re quoting scripture? Oh dear child….please go purchase some kind of internet and get the porn back! For all of us! 😉

Corncob
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Corncob
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Fantastic.

Just a fantastic post. Well done. As usual.

anonymous 3
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Anonymous
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Anonymous
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“Shame you don’t incur income from this site ”

he has ads up on dcbachelor

Tampa
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Tampa
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“God is all powerful and all knowing, But he has a little bit of a money problem.”

Now that is some funny shit.

gunslingergregi
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It makes it a little easier to live your life if you can believe that everything that happens to you is because of Gods plan and in the end you die and go to heaven. Funny thing though he also gave us free will woops.

Josh
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Josh
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Im riding the golden goose as we speak.

Andy
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Andy
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Besides being illegal, stealing wireless internet is a bad move technically. Unless you don’t mind people snooping your email, AIM, web banking etc.

Single girl, no cat
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Single girl, no cat
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I sat behind a similar group on a train from NYC to Philly last year. I had to get up and move because I couldn’t handle the brainwashing droning.

Single girl, no cat
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But if you’d really had balls as an “alpha male”, you would have slapped in a porno and started it at full volume 🙂

Knomaneed
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