Previously: The Thrill Is Gone
“The moment a man questions the meaning and value of life, he is sick, since objectivity neither has any existence; by asking this question one is merely admitting to a store of unsatisfied libido to which something else must have happened, a kind of fermentation leading to sadness and depression.”
“[Men] are born for the solid earth, not for the water. And naturally they won’t think. They are made for life, not for thought. Yes, and he who thinks, what’s more, he who makes thought his business, he may go far in it, but he has bartered the solid earth for the water all the same, and one day he will drown.”
I’m sitting on a pile of money.
I have three monthly expenses: cell phone, hosting for this site, and student loans, which are very low (public university). I can pay off those 4% interest loans now but I rather have the cash flow.
I live like I’m poor. I can afford to buy a car but I don’t want one. I can get my own place but what’s the point if I’m not staying long. I never liked dining out. I’m getting close to the level of cash I had before I went on my trip last year, and I barely do any work. At work my manager asked me if I wanted to add some more shifts, but I declined.
I sat on the kitchen table and looked at all the Black Friday advertisements. There’s a lot of things I can buy right now: nicer winter coat, boots, fancy SLR camera, and better laptop. But I don’t need them. I looked through the fliers for an hour and the only thing that got me out the door was K-Mart’s sale of thermal sweaters for $3.97 each. My mom and sister asked me what I want for Christmas and I told them to get me a card. If you said to me I had a month to live I wouldn’t buy or change anything.
What a weird place to be in with no dreams, no goal of conquer.
A few years ago someone told me, “Sometimes it’s better to want something than to have it.” I understand that now. Wanting puts you in an insecure state of mind that distracts you from the big questions which reveal the absurdity of most of what we do. It distracts us from our existence.
So I’ll hit the road again. I’ll have tons of interesting experiences—more than I’m having here, for sure. But without purpose it can be just as shallow to rack up countries like it is women. What’s going to guide me to a glorious end? What will motivate me to get up when I fall? What will make me a better person?
Maybe having a kid would do it. I can go to Brazil, marry a beautiful girl, and try to crack it there. That’d keep me challenged for at least a few years. For the majority of human beings, having a kid solves the purpose problem. But no, I rather remain single. Monogamy to me seems like early retirement from the best parts of life.
You know how when someone is sure to die they put them in a hospice so they are as comfortable as possible? I feel like I’m in life’s hospice. Just fucking around to entertain myself, wishing the clock wasn’t moving so fast. I’m not rich but this is how rich people must feel. It’s a hollow feeling. Not unhappy or sad, just hollow.