Within every interaction is a frame where one person does the evaluating and judging while the other does the satisfying. The person with the higher value will naturally fall into a frame of evaluation while the person with the lower value will fall into a frame of trying to prove or appease. Without even thinking about it, many men fall into the inferior frame with women by how they allow an interaction to proceed.
Since we were children, we’ve been taught to answer questions. In school, we received rewards from the teacher if we answered correctly, and even in university we were graded for “class participation” based on impressing the professor with how well we know the material. The problem is that we carry the need to prove ourselves over into adulthood and allow others to assume superiority by answering questions that make us explain our behavior, thoughts, or actions. Most people are in fact too eager to prove themselves when asked a question, but by doing so they almost always accept the inferior frame.
For example, a common question that a woman asks you is, “What do you do?” By quickly answering her question, you automatically accept her “prove yourself to me” frame. This is why my game book Bang teaches you to not answer directly to a woman’s questions in the early periods of the interaction when you’re trying to establish attraction. The better response is to give a joke answer that shows you do not care of her evaluation. Paradoxically, this increases her attraction for you even more, because your value must be higher than hers if you refuse to do what so many men before you had eagerly done.
Another example is when a co-worker—and not your boss—asks you, “Why did you do it this way?” He is attempting to assert the superior frame by getting you to justify yourself. An answer which refuses his frame is one where you don’t explain why you did it in your preferred way. Unless he asks you “how” you did something, which establishes him as the inferior seeking to learn from you, you should not rationalize yourself. You’ll also encounter co-workers who ask tiny favors of you that escalate over time.
How do you feel when you have sex with a woman for the first time and are not satisfied with your performance? Because you feel inferior in that moment, you may say something like “It’ll be longer next time” or “I shouldn’t have drank so much.” This establishes you as the person who is supposed to do the pleasing. The woman is then more likely to see you as a weak man. A man who is confident of his worth would not be fazed by a bad sexual performance, or at least not feel the need to defend it.
It turns out that trying to justify yourself in any way is the best way to lose frame, and should only be done when the other person has repeatedly asserted the inferior frame. For example, if a woman repeatedly justifies herself in your presence, you can throw her a bone and appease her once in a while, but only if it’s what you really want to do so that she feels a basic level of security in the relationship.
It’s important to note that natural alpha males are automatically resistant to accepting the inferior frame. Their instinct tells them not to justify themselves, and they have such a high opinion of who they are that maintaining frame naturally flows from them. If you are not a natural alpha, you’ll have to do it manually by stopping and thinking each time a woman asks you a question or a favor (“Can you hold my purse?”) to decide if she’s trying to assert frame. If she is, which is usually the case, you must deflect her question. Make a joke or “agree and amplify” so she comes to the conclusion that you are the superior in the interaction. Otherwise, she will slowly drain your power and either use you for attention or to establish firm control over your behavior like we see with men who have been hen-pecked by their wives after several years of marriage.
You want to reach a point where you have high expectations of a woman but she has little expectations of you. She must give you submission while you do as you may. This will take some real value to pull off, but in the meanwhile you can simulate it by merely not falling into the frame of those who make requests and demands of you.
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