When it comes to relationships, we desire what we are not. We look to bond with someone of the opposite sex not to make a commitment that pleases God but to improve or satisfy our lives in a material way, but why would someone who has the positive qualities we lack want to bond with us? So we end up spending the bulk of our 20s and 30s searching in vain, racking up hundreds of hours on Tinder alongside innumerable dating failures that make us bitter, jaded, and fearful, decreasing our value as a mate. All the while, we miss the basic truth that we attract our mirror reflection. If you don’t like the women you are pairing with, the problem is not them but you.

Before I accepted Christ into my life, I went on a worldwide hunt to find the most beautiful woman who was loyal, honest, loving, generous, patient, kind, and feminine, yet I myself was not loyal, honest, loving, generous, patient, kind, and masculine (in the sense of being in control of my passions). I thought that if I played a mathematical game of meeting ten thousand women through sheer effort and willpower, I would encounter many perfect women and one of them would decide to spend her life with me. I could have met ten million women and the result would have been the same: I did not meet a woman who came even close to possessing the qualities I dreamed of in my deluded mind. Instead, I met women who were a reflection of my own traits: disloyal, dishonest, extractive, calculating, manipulative, impatient, superficial, cosmopolitan, and faithless.

I have been walking with Christ for only two years, and during that time I have gone on marriage interviews (i.e. dates) with five women. Each woman possessed at least a moderate faith in God, and for that reason alone, all five were superior to every single woman I have dated in my past. In other words, if I had to pick a wife out of all the women I’ve ever known, these five would be at the top of the list. The reason is that as I ascend closer to God, I’ve attracted women whose souls have also begun to ascend to God. This process is completely automatic. No manual effort or conscious “game” is needed on my part. You can not fake the state of your soul, which can only bond with flesh that closely mirrors its state.

There are two levels when it comes to attracting your mirror reflection. The first: is your mental orientation primarily material or spiritual? If it’s material, you will attract and bond with a woman who is a materialist. If it’s spiritual, you will also attract a woman who lives according to the grace given to her by the Holy Spirit. The second level is degree. How much of a materialist are you? The more material you use to attract a woman (cars, money, muscles), the more of a materialist woman you will find. On the other hand, how strong is your faith in God? If you pray daily and attend church every Sunday, you will bond with a woman who either does the same or will have no objection to doing so in the near future.

If you remember the last three people you dated, you will find that they possessed the same general outlook as you and to a similar degree. The deeper your relationship was with a person, the more that person reflected who you were at the time. If you review all your past relationships, and evaluate every woman you dated, the conclusion you must reach is that each person was who you were at that period in your life. For some of you, that type of person didn’t change at all, and you kept getting burned by the same type of woman, and for others, it changed over time as you’ve changed.

If you’re mad or angry at a failed relationship, you’re in essence mad at yourself for not being the person you should be in the eyes of God. You were lacking in your faith and were tempted to see your partner as someone they were not. That person possessed a similar state of spirit as you, so if she was a cheater (lust), liar (pride), or overweight (glutton) then you also possessed an inclination to her sins or at least the willingness to commit sins that are similar in severity. At the minimum, you were in a relationship with someone who wanted to materially extract from the relationship as much as you desired to extract, but extraction is not confined within a relationship but applies with the entire world, so if your partner couldn’t extract from you the things that would make her “happy,” she simply began looking elsewhere for those benefits and there went your relationship.

If all good comes from God, and you are far from God, you will not attract a virtuous woman. Therefore the solution to attracting a faithful, traditional woman is not acting the fool and traveling around the world to spam a thousand women with a puffed-up composite character of masculinity, or complain endlessly online about how no good women are left, but to build your faith in God. A woman on the same journey will recognize your faith and want to pair bond with you. At the very least, you will get someone who aspires to the faith you have and has already started that journey with sincerity. And if no woman can be found, your faith will be at such a level that you will welcome without complaint what God has laid out for you. You will depend on His love to sustain you and not murmur against a mode of physical existence that He knows you can bear.

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